The stylish non-Jewish Girls’ guide to Jewish Boys

Periodically, there’ll be a fuss in the broadsheet style sections about how ‘hot’ Jewish boys are now for the discerning girl on the prowl. You may not have noticed but we’re in one of those periods right now, with shiksas queuing up for their slice of the Jewish cock. You know – all that fuss over Seth from the OC, Jake Gyllenhall (yes he really is and no, I’ve never seen anyone who looks like that in shul either), Peaches Geldof’s boyfriend Fred, and other assorted pasty-skinned fellows. Even Larry David gets a look in. Larry David!

All of whom are apparently hunks du jour thanks to how ‘funny’ they are. So funny in fact they make your clothes fall off as all reason disappears (of course, only if you’re a non-Jew that is. As we chosen ones know, Jewish girls don’t do sex well). The fashionable sets in London, New York and Hollywood have gone Jewish-boy mad. So all these men have non-Jewish girlfriends and women the world over are hypnotised by their computer screens, trawling Facebook and MySpace for groups like “FZY Eastern European graveyard tour 2007” in order to get their late-night kicks. This has to stop. Why? Not because of all that ‘inter-marriage-is-bad’ nonsense, no no no.

No, it’s simpler. Have you seen Jewish boys? I am one. We’re really unattractive – physically and mentally. You know it already, you just need de-repressing.

Truly, if the authorities want to stop Jewish boys marrying out, they need to destroy this illusion that male Jews have anything to offer. Here’s a simple checklist I’ve devised to be circulated to all non-Jewish 13-year-old girls before they get too involved with that mysterious boy in the big house across the street. Any weekend magazine editors reading, you’re welcome to use it

1. Hair – ok, maybe he has it now. Wait 2 years; it’ll all go. In fact, even if it doesn’t go, it’ll be totally dry, unmanageable and embarrassing. And full of dandruff. Check his shirts – see? No personal hygiene, the Jew.

2. Width – it’s either really fat or really thin – either way, totally unattractive. Get out of there.
3. Watch him eat. That’s a reason enough on its own. Not only will he have difficult requirements, he’ll also eat quickly and messily. It comes from the heritage of Middle Eastern cuisine – you have to be fast or it evaporates. No good for when you’re dining with the Primrose Hill set.
4. Humour – the tricky one. Yes, he seems funny, but what are you actually laughing at? I’ll tell you – you’re showing your relief at his assertion of the inferiority of the Jew. Self-pitying Jewish humour? It’s blatant anti-semitism imposed from without. The longer you stay with him, the more you make him hate himself. Stop enjoying it.
5. Penis – well this is admittedly a mixed bag. Yes, circumcised penises look better. But ask around – do any of your local Jews have big ones? No – it’s simply not possible. And refer back to no.3 – poor digestion means poor taste. Overall, of little use to you.
6. Arse – always ALWAYS way too big and poorly-positioned in the trousers
7. General fun – none. Even if he doesn’t go to Jew-dos, he’ll gradually take you to more and more tedious festivals of some sort, all equally meaningless to you. Do you make him go to your place or worship? And let people point at you and stare? No – because this is the 21^st Century, and it’s just not done to have a religion. He’ll never get over it – leave him.
8. His friends – probably other Jews. Say he has 10. That’s 11 unattractive male Jews around you, all with at least one of the problems in 1-7. That’s like 77 annoying problems. You don’t need it.

Alright, you really like him? Fine, there are two solutions:

1. The best solution is to be as anti-semitic as possible, in the hope that it’ll turn him. It worked for Virginia Woolf, it could work for you. Don’t tolerate his Jewishness, he’ll drop it eventually – we’re all looking for a way out, and someone else to blame it on.

OR

1. Maybe this is even better. Why don’t you and a non-Jewish boy both PRETEND to be Jewish? Then you get all the attractiveness and irony of being a Jew without having to deal with actual Jewish boys? It’s what Madonna and Guy do, and, as Shimon Peres will tell you, there’s no higher source of wisdom and peace a Jew can have.

So ‘style leaders’ you don’t fancy that Jewish boy, ok? It’s just your anti-semitism coming through. Put it back under your prim-and-proper WASP covers where it belongs.