Geoffrey Cohen

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Stephen Pollard – Uncircumcised

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1 July, 2011
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In a story that has rocked north London, Jewish Chronicle editor Stephen Pollard is rumoured to have an uncircumcised penis.

Suspicions we raised after a series of articles posing as ‘investigative journalism’ discussed a shocking case of a person under 35 being discovered at the Board of Deputies. In a further shock, the individual turned out to be a critic of circumcision, or an ‘anti-shmekalist’ in the words of  ‘journalist’ Simon Round. The scandal provoked a firestorm of activity at the Chronicle, at the peak of which Jessica Elgot created an article from the first page of a google search. Not to be outdone Geoffrey Alterkaker ditched his planned article on the pleasure he gets when activists are murdered in order to pen a column entitled ‘If you don’t cut your shlong you’re an jew-hater’. Justifying its vitriol, a JC spokesman referred to the newspaper’s style guide, which makes clear that there are in fact only seven ways of being Jewish, though he added that three of those were ‘ a bit dodgy’.

The coverage, however, proved to reveal more about the JC’s editor than about the activist in question. In an emergency meeting of the Hampstead Freud society, Jewish psychoanalysts pronounced the JC’s coverage a clear example of transference and circumcised penis envy in which Pollard’s obsessive coverage of the issue was in fact a reflection of his own embarrassingly complete member. In a email, academic Daniel Boyarin suggested that Pollard’s compulsive hatred of Palestinians was in fact a desire for ‘phallustine’. A further insight into Pollard’s unstable mental condition was by revealed by Stamford Hill talmudists, who, on analysing his editorial, discovered that the first letter of each line spelled out ‘Sorry Desmond – Will you have me back?’

Pollard, reminiscing over the bombing of Gaza

Rumours spread like wildfire at the following Board of Deputies Plenary Meeting, which organisers described as ‘democratic’. Amongst break out sessions including ‘Young People – More Trouble Than They’re Worth?’ and ‘If We Give Women A Few More Rights, Will They Shut up?’, deputies held feverish whispered discussions, with each making excuses to visit the toilet as often as possible, in the hope of catching Pollard in the neighbouring urinal. To recall such a scandal, seasoned deputies had to go back to 1974 when Chief Rabbi Jakobovits was rumoured to be hermaphrodite.

Head of the JC Board Anthony ‘everyone’s a Judeophobe’ Julius dismissed suggestions that all of Stephen Pollard’s disastrous editorship was penis related, pointing out that ‘he’s simply an terrible journalist’. Others saw an opportunity for the Jewish News to conquer the Mosaic market, but they are currently preoccupied with a redesign, in preparation for their relaunch as ‘Sheitel Sluts’ , cointaining a free glossy magazine: JILF.

The matter remains unresolved, not least because Pollard himself has been unable to see beneath his waist since 1989.

8 Responses to Stephen Pollard – Uncircumcised

  1. STEVEN PLOARD says:

    THIS ARTICLE ESPECIALLY THE LAST LINE IS TOTALLY BELOW THE BELT! I SHALL BE SEEKING LEGAL COUNSEL AND NOT JUST FROM GOYIM!

  2. stamfordhillbilly STEVEN PORRARD says:

    Actually, I’m STEVEN PORRARD, and to be honest I’ve got better things to do than read your stupid article, like writing my own ones on Comment is free

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/jul/08/gaza-flotilla-israel-diplomacy
    “Gaza flotilla II: This time, Israel took the diplomatic route
    With Greece and Turkey desperate to repair relations, it was an easy matter to stop the flotilla reaching Gaza”

    I couldn’t decide whether I should write Greece and Turkey would ‘like’ to repair relations with Israel, or whether they are ‘desperate’ to in the by-line, but seeing as I am a serious journalist, I thought I would write that they are ‘desperate’ to repair relations, because obviouslly they are. At least that’s what someone said to me.

  3. Kinara says:

    Jewish Chronicle Editor Threatens Lawsuits Over White Supremacist Blog It Hosted

    http://www.richardsilverstein.com/tikun_olam/2012/04/21/jewish-chronicle-editor-threatens-lawsuits-over-white-supremacist-blog-it-hosted/

    Stephen Pollard, editor of the UK’s Jewish Chronicle has levelled his first volley against journalists and bloggers who criticized the newspaper for hosting a blog by Carlos Cortiglia, a white supremacist leader of the British National Party. He’s threatened Jews for Justice for Palestinians with “remedial action” for republishing Hugh Muir’s Guardian story and my own first blog post about the controversy:

  4. It should be understood that when the Guardian issued its clarification, this was based on further information supplied by Pollard, that is inaccurate. That is, he said that in September, when he discovered that a BNP activist was posting, he banned him and changed the whole system. In fact the “whole system” was not changed until March 2012.

    What he means by changing the whole system was abandoning the policy of free access to a policy of access to a number of “invited bloggers”. Numbered among these invited bloggers is one, Jonathan Hoffman whose links to the neo-Nazi EDL is well established.

    Another of these invited bloggers is one Melchett Mike who, it is clear from the blogging activity on the JC today, has stated “I’d have no problem standing with the EDL”.

    http://www.thejc.com/blogs/melchett-mike/john-mccarthy-now-wheres-radiator

    see comments

  5. Ruth Babat says:

    It seems Pollard cares very much about his reputation but certainly not anyone else’s,
    as he has ruined mine completely with an unauthorized article ( see Shoah Survivor)
    printed in J.C. exposing my life and woes to all and sundry. I cannot forget nor forgive
    this article written by anna sheinman in response to a Letters to the Editor that I had
    submitted hoping it might be printed in said department. In stead they took my letter
    and created a mini biography of me and embarrassed me in front of the whole world.
    People should know how I was treated. I never expected something like this by the J.C.

  6. Ruth Babat says:

    comment has been submitted, see above

  7. Stephen Pollard tweets….

    ” I shall be spending Valentines evening watching Spurs v Lyon. I have an understanding wife.”

    Any thoughts ?

  8. SeaBee says:

    “Stephen Pollard is rumoured to have an uncircumcised penis.”

    I wonder which other part can be uncircumcised?

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