Simone de Bagel

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Let down by Limmud

by
18 June, 2012
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Dear Limmud-Chief,

As a young, inexperienced, geeky, undomesticated and lacking-in-social skills Jew living in the shtel that is North West London, I chose to come to Limmud on the same assumption that most young adults in my situation choose to do so: this being the guarantee to get laid. The implicit Jew-screw promise percolating the Jewdar communications network every chrisunakkah time.

However, I was extremely disappointed to discover that this assumption – of which I invested not only financially (forcing me to cancel my costly J-Date subscription), but also emotionally in my anticipation of the certainty to finally find that special someone who would be as awkward and desperate as I was, was not fulfilled and well….I want my money back.

Perhaps I am being unfair and a total refund would be extreme since the quickie in the corner with the Polish cleaner fulfilled some of the expectation, but not enough to write home about. In this respect, a 50% refund would be acceptable bearing in mind the emotional trauma of false expectations and damage to self-confidence (although granted, the Polish cleaner was a bit helpful in that department).

Even so, the accepted implicit assumption of a Jew-screw I failed to encounter and thus want to be compensated (a posted-dated Jew-screw guarantee for limmud 2013 may be acceptable if I have failed to accomplish it at limmudfest, gefitlefest – or all the other Jew-fests with such implied promises).

It’s all very well spending thousands of pounds importing big American academics to talk about the plight of the Jewish woman in Orthodox Judaism, or the need for serious dialogue over the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, but these rabble-rousing subjects all pale into insignificance in comparison to what really gets to the heart of what affects the Jewish young adult of today: to get laid with a nice Jewish boy/girl in a nice Jewish environment with decent showering facilities under the auspices of the Jewish establishment.

I feel it is totally unreasonable to expect us to “go out into the world” and “work things out for ourselves”.  As with our politics, education, shopping habits, brand of pickled cucumbers etc, we are delicately pushed into line with the rest of the Jewish community in order to keep the Jewish community in its established order. Since  Limmud is central in conditioning guiding us in these well-trodden paths, surely it should provide the same manipulation assistance in helping us manage with whom we have our first love encounter, unplanned pregnancy and STD – you know, those important milestones in life that we just need the security and “safe place” of the community to aid us in, rather than having to, god forbid, encounter those experiences amongst the gentile world.

The continuation of Jewish survival rests in your disorganised, recycled, over-priced hands. For next year, I suggest a dedicated room (to be booked for 10 minute slots, shouldn’t need more than that) that promises a Limmud meal of “Marks and Spencer” quality rather than the usual “Tesco value” standard on the condition that certain acts are fulfilled. We need that push, that motivation, to release our inhibitions – go on limmud, you’re our only hope!

Yours flaccidly,

Anonymous Jewish Events Service User

5 Responses to Let down by Limmud

  1. anonymous says:

    Brilliant!

  2. In the previous blog, “Anti Zionist Hero” Levi 9099 linked to what he called a ludicrous hagiography on Jonathan Hoffman by Chas Jewkie-Burke’s blog. This blog has been deleted. I don’t suppose anyone has a picture of it?

  3. PS What self repspectimg anarchists moderate blog posts?

  4. oops make that self respecting

  5. alta kocker alta kocker says:

    Ones who are plagued by spam…
    Sorry about the wait in posting it.

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