Our dating agency, “Desperate Jews For Lapsed Catholics” (DJLC), is specially designed to provide the perfect Catholic boy/girl for you and there is every reason to use us, too! It really is a match made in Shiksa and Shaygetz heaven. Just think of all the values , traditions, and complexes, we have in common, all which make for healthy loving relationships (and great debates on Seder night!)

Our communities both worship dead men, endure guilt and shame over sex and masturbation, partake in obsessive repetitive chanting of phrases in ancient tongue, hold irrational beliefs about the transformative nature of food (wine into blood, bread into flesh, the laws of chemistry and calories not applying to food eaten on the Sabbath), and of course that wondrous head gear, dress and general strange adornments which are defining features of both our communities. These are all just some amongst the  many reasons why our members find their Bashert through us….and of course don’t forget the bonus of  decreasing the risk of spreading those nasty genetic diseases,  avoiding broiguses over a “get”, and  to top it all off….. treif sex is just better when you don’t have to worry about ritual purity laws!

We even have an elite membership option, “ Catholics with Cash”. Sign up to this and you will have special access to our single, sexy Catholic doctors, lawyers and accountants. This will be certain to placate those super fussy parents with at least one of their necessary criteria!

If you are interested and would like to join DJLC please email Mrs Fleischig-Milkeg at:  welovethevatican@jewmail.co.uk

Suspicions we raised after a series of articles posing as ‘investigative journalism’ discussed a shocking case of a person under 35 being discovered at the Board of Deputies. In a further shock, the individual turned out to be a critic of circumcision, or an ‘anti-shmekalist’ in the words of  ‘journalist’ Simon Round. The scandal provoked a firestorm of activity at the Chronicle, at the peak of which Jessica Elgot created an article from the first page of a google search. Not to be outdone Geoffrey Alterkaker ditched his planned article on the pleasure he gets when activists are murdered in order to pen a column entitled ‘If you don’t cut your shlong you’re an jew-hater’. Justifying its vitriol, a JC spokesman referred to the newspaper’s style guide, which makes clear that there are in fact only seven ways of being Jewish, though he added that three of those were ‘ a bit dodgy’.

The coverage, however, proved to reveal more about the JC’s editor than about the activist in question. In an emergency meeting of the Hampstead Freud society, Jewish psychoanalysts pronounced the JC’s coverage a clear example of transference and circumcised penis envy in which Pollard’s obsessive coverage of the issue was in fact a reflection of his own embarrassingly complete member. In a email, academic Daniel Boyarin suggested that Pollard’s compulsive hatred of Palestinians was in fact a desire for ‘phallustine’. A further insight into Pollard’s unstable mental condition was by revealed by Stamford Hill talmudists, who, on analysing his editorial, discovered that the first letter of each line spelled out ‘Sorry Desmond – Will you have me back?’

Pollard, reminiscing over the bombing of Gaza

Rumours spread like wildfire at the following Board of Deputies Plenary Meeting, which organisers described as ‘democratic’. Amongst break out sessions including ‘Young People – More Trouble Than They’re Worth?’ and ‘If We Give Women A Few More Rights, Will They Shut up?’, deputies held feverish whispered discussions, with each making excuses to visit the toilet as often as possible, in the hope of catching Pollard in the neighbouring urinal. To recall such a scandal, seasoned deputies had to go back to 1974 when Chief Rabbi Jakobovits was rumoured to be hermaphrodite.

Head of the JC Board Anthony ‘everyone’s a Judeophobe’ Julius dismissed suggestions that all of Stephen Pollard’s disastrous editorship was penis related, pointing out that ‘he’s simply an terrible journalist’. Others saw an opportunity for the Jewish News to conquer the Mosaic market, but they are currently preoccupied with a redesign, in preparation for their relaunch as ‘Sheitel Sluts’ , cointaining a free glossy magazine: JILF.

The matter remains unresolved, not least because Pollard himself has been unable to see beneath his waist since 1989.

Of course correlating Jewish lifestyle with Jewish authenticity is neither logically necessary nor unnecessarily illogical (go on you work out the double negatives), but I shall now take the above premise to counter the claims of those who hold a rigidly defined, archetypal, and to my mind, misunderstood understanding of what is means to be authentically Jewish.

The points listed below describe common Jewish practices (though not exclusively Jewish) which I believe have maintained the most authentic form of Judaism through their antinominian http://www.thefreedictionary.com/antinomian actions, and that such actions are central to Judaism, and serve to maintain it today!

Number one:  The Great Jewish Love Affair With Shellfish – what is a more common scene than seeing a hungry Jew wolf down a plate of moules frites?  Why are Jews so expertly capable of squeezing just the right amount of mayonnaise onto their scampi?  Why is it that there are always such great deals in the Waitrose, in Temple Fortune, on the “Frozen Scallops with Herby Garlic Butter”? The answer:….no not because shellfish form part of a healthy low-fat, low-carb, high-protein diet……but because Jews love their shellfish! And why is this when, to be honest, passing on an phlegmy oyster ain’t that of a big deal? The reason is because it reminds us that we are Jews……we are reminded of our Jewish dietary code of which we find rather delicious in that we enjoy the forbidden fruits and the subconscious thought process of, “hey what a yummy clam chowder lies before me, but there is the law that says I can’t eat you, I hear this law and am reminded that I am a Jew and happily enjoy my clam chowder and be thankful for it reminding me of my Jewishness, if it weren’t for you clam chowder, I may have forgotten altogether! I am affirming and recognizing my Judaism in my act of eating the clam chowder! Thank god for the clam chowder”. (Funnily enough this doesn’t apply to pork or ham to quite the same extent, though that could be to do with the memory of free ham sandwiches if attending a talk at the Christian Union at university? However there was always the JFS case, witnessed by the author of this piece, where someone brought in their own sandwiches from home, punishable by 70 lashes as only authorised kosher food was allowed on site, and of course, it happened to be a ham sandwich……..how Jewish, how the more connected we all felt at this blatant rebelliousness.)

Number two: The Jewess’s Revelation at the Benefits of the Foreskin –  There is the necessary shock experience for the Jewess (and in some cases the male Jew) of the first exposure to the foreskin which, when growing up a in strictly snipped environment, is quite an eye-opener! This important coming of age realization and recognition of less need of upper arm muscle-use, or fear of repetitive strain injury, serves to remind us of the powerful, strong female Jewesses that through the ages have had to deal with the male Jew’s neurotic penis envy of the foreskined one’s penile super-sensitivity. Oh Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah, we salute you!

Number Three: Creative Expressions and Outpourings of Satirical Comment, Criticism and Top of the Range Piss-Taking with regards to Establishment Predictability and Mundanity – From the Talmud, (or was it the mad Communist Great Uncle we all had, but never knew?), we learn that sophistry and satire are intrinsic to the Jewish neshama (soul). These essential, creative, dynamic skills are vital to her/his being and enable the constant, close scrutiny over the mass of rubbish produced in the name of establishment Jewry. This historically evident talent of the free-spirited, bi-curious Semite, flitting between the boundaries and living on the fringe of the secular world and yudenkite, boundless in temptation and secular concepts, provides the most important means for external criteria, reflection and democratic checks and balances of those who claim to speak in our name! As a diaspora people, our strengths lie in the immersion of the peoples and cultures by which we are surrounded. A creativity and synthesis results from this multiplicity of influences and perspectives! This is semi-secular Jewry!  This is what produces the extreme wit and comedy, sophistry and the vantage of vulgar truths. This is what preserves the necessary and vital challenges, criticisms and demands for justification, of much of the internal rubbish spouted in the name of establishment Jewry!

We Believe in Kazakhstan!

This weekend we are holding a grand conference to celebrate the glorious nation Kazakhstan!

We, the people assembled, assert that we believe in Kazakhstan, and are certain that it continues to exist. We also believe in Tinkerbell and Santa Klaus, but feel unsure about crop circles.

Do not dwell on minor internal issues (forced marriage, Jew-baiting, walrus-fighting, poof-strangling) – this will only give strength to the haters of our glorious country. Only believe! Questions are for decadent westerners and homosexuals.

We promise a wondrous range of diverse speakers – all of whom agree with each other!

We guarantee a range of fascinating themes, all within the framework of Kazakhstan as a democratic and anti-semitic state. These are the pillars of our nation, any one who does not like them can fuck off to Florida from where elderly Jewish ladies control the world.

Open to each and every supporter of the proud nation Kazakhstan without restriction! (communists, homosexuals, liberals, and girly men should check beforehand to see if they have been blacklisted)

Sessions include:

How to get better representation for rapists in the media
Oppressing minorities while keeping a ‘Happy Face’
A history of Kazakhstani potassium in 45 minutes
Why do people hate us – is it because they are communists?
The battle over university campuses – making sure our students continue to study traditional dance
‘Make ‘em laugh- Using humour to avoid being boycotted

Special track for young people -  Hugging and Wrestling/Sucking and Fucking Kazakhstan‘. Sexy!

The conference will take place at a top secret location in Western Siberia. Entry is by helicopter. To book your place email KJB@gmail.com, with photos and DNA samples.

In a word, no. At this time of year we ladies and gentlemen of the Mosaic persuasion find ourselves drowning in a sea of kitsch, bad arrangements,  crooning Yeshiva bochers and terrible YouTube videos desperate to convince us that this time, Channukah (and Judaism with it) is cool. No no no. Judaism- very uncool. In this lies its excellence. Like the haredim who cling to the dress of 19th century Poles for the simple reason that no-one else does, the day the rest of the world takes us Palwins, fishballs, khrein, borsht and almond pudding is the day we start to eat normal food.

So why are channukah songs so frequently lame?  The answer is twofold. Firstly, the many excellent Jewish songwriters found themselves very busy at this time of year. Writing Christmas songs. Being wise Jews, they followed the money, realising that the real dollars were not in Yiddish shtick but Yuletide hits that sensibly left Jesus out the the picture. Only now, with a range of desparate philanthropists in the Judaism industry pouring in the cash, does it pay to be Jewish, making the creation of Judaeo-kitsch extremely lucrative.

Secondly, channukah songs frequently make the schoolboy error of explaining what to do at channukah. Come light the menorah……take a potato…we light 8 candles……we play the dreidle…..enough already. What is this, choreography for stupid Jews? This sort of thing can drive a person mad/make them donate to the UJIA. Imagine if Christmas songs followed this model ‘first we stuff the turkey…then we pull crackers….the queen always wears clothes from C &A……there’s a tree, it has tinsel on it‘. No, channukah is essentially banal, and a good channukah song needs to rejoice in its triviality. The less meaning the better. And don’t make the mistake of telling the story of the Maccabees either. Unless you want to write a full blown pro guerilla warfare, terrorism condoning toe-tapper, perhaps called ‘In praise of the Taliban’. In which case, go ahead.

Given all this, we at Jewdas realised that what Yidden throughout the land were calling out for was a list of channukah songs that were, if not actually good, then vaguely decent. An approved list, a playlist for the perplexed, a musical kashrut guide for our times. So we have obliged. Anyone playing any other songs at the channukah gatherings runs the risk of being excommunicated, Tough, but fair.

Here’s our top 10, which come, unlike the Torah,  in the order in which they were written

1. Happy Chanukah – Moishe Oysher. They don’t em’ like this any more. Cantorial scat singing from the great master himself. Straight from the era when, if you were making an album and asked ‘can we have a backing choir’, the producer would reply ‘sure why don’t we add an orchestra as well’. Genius. Not on YouTube or spotify, but you can buy on iTunes or Amazon

2. Let’s Put the Ch back in Chanukah – Sid Wayne and Stanley Adams. Proper old school, American-Jewish comedy, back in the heyday. You actually learn a whole load of Yiddish vocab. Check out the whole album ‘Chanukah Carols’ all on Spotify.

3. Chanukah in Santa Monica – Tom Lehrer. The old classic, still one of the best. Wisely Lehrer does not attempt to say anything meaningful, preferring to rhyme Jewish festivals with American place names. He also keeps in under 2 minutes. An excellent move. On YouTube here

4. Ocho Candelikas – Flory Jagoda. This feels like its been around forever, but in fact dates back to the early 80s. Ok, it makes the mistake of explaining the choreography, but its Ladino, so no-one really understands it anyway. Lots of versions, but there’s a nice version by the anglo-sephardi band Los Desteraddos here.

5. Punk Rock Chanukah Song – Yidcore. Ok, this is a version of the Adam Sandler Chanukah song, which is totally unacceptable, but Yidcore make it just about ok with new lyrics and a great video. Not quite as good as their previous ‘Why won’t Adam Sandler let us sing his song, written before Sandler gave them permission.

6. How do you spell channukkahh – The Levees, from their album of the same name. This does come from a whole album of Channukah songs, which is a dangerous thing, but this does actually work. Some may be sad that 2 millenia of Jewish culture has been reduced to a debate about spelling, but screw them. Also check out ‘Goyim friend’s from the same album, on Spotify

LeeVees – How Do You Spell Channukkahh? from The LeeVees on Vimeo.

7. Lonely Jew at Christmas – Ok, not technically a Chanukah song, but a classic for any jew with christmas envy. Find it here. For those who refuse to listen to any song with Christmas in title the South Park Dreidle song is also good.

8. Hanukkah Bitch – Brad and Barry, from the album Brad and Barry Stuff Your Stocking. We know nothing about this. But its surprisingly good for a hard rock channukah number. Find it on spotify

9. Feast of Lights – They Might be Giants. A decent song, which happens to have a Channukah setting. Hurrah! There are live versions on YouTube, but head for Spotify for the album original which is far better.

10. Miracle – Matisyahu. Hot of the press, this one came out last week, and is a catchy, radio-friendly delight. Seems like Matis is gradually dropping all his chabad baggage in favour of a loose neo-chasidism/pan mysticism, making him more entertaining, and, ahem, more marketable. Always nice when spirituality dovetails with profit margins. Kudos for this – it almost manages to create a ‘feelgood Judaism’. Almost. Don’t worry, its never gonna happen.

And a few of the worst. Don’t go anywhere near:

1. Anything from  Eran Baron-Cohen’s ‘Songs in the key of Channukah‘. Feh feh feh feh feh. Made so much worse by its attempt to be cool.

2. Anything from ‘Hannukah Swings‘ by Kenny Ellis. Hanu-Calypso is the absolute nadir. Excerpt here

3. Light One Candle – Peter Paul and Mary. Beloved by Batmitzvah girls who dream of winning the X factor.

4. Don’t u wanna touch my hannukah – Eric Roth (anathema). A shocker of the Jewish rap genre. The mind boggles

5. Eight Days of Channukah, by  Utah republican senator Orin Hatch. The most wrong thing ever.

Happy Kwanzaa! And stay off the absinthe doughnuts.

xxx

Truth is its been a little difficult. We realised long ago that all the parties were extremely BAD FOR THE JEWS, and inexplicably issues such as the high price of Kosher meat have not dominated the agenda.

But finally we have our story.

Our Hero. Looking slightly like an extra from a Jack Rosenthal film

Quick witted viewers of the first leaders debate will have noticed that the kippah (thats skullcup for gentiles and stupid Jews) wearing teenager asking a question, was the same one who questioned Nick Griffin on the infamous Question Time a few months ago. The very same Jew! The Hebraic youth, who Jewdas is proud to name as Joel Weiner (formerly Jojo – ahhhh) has stunned political leaders by asking searching questions such as ‘Isn’t it a bad idea to deny the holocaust?’ and ‘Don’t you think there are too many tests in schools?’. It is thought that next week he’ll be at Vatican questioning the Catholic credentials of Pope Ratzinger. Young Joel has already spawned a facebook group ‘The Jewish Kid from the First Election Debate’ which has gained an extraordinary 12,500 fans, some of whom may not be from Barnet. The group’s wall contains much wisdom, including such nuggets as ‘he’s sexy’,  ‘Joel for Prime Minister’ and ‘He should have gone to SpecSavers’. He has also achieved a wikipedia page, on which he is pictured demonstrating the style that we believe is known as ‘JFS chic’.

Of course pundits are already drawing the more than obvious parallels with the man-on-the-street star of the American Presidential elections, Joe the Plumber. Joel, already dubbed ‘Joel the Jew’, is more than likely to encompass this role through his easily identifiable affinity with the issues affecting the average British voter, be they Worcestor Woman, Plymouth Polygamist or Chichester Cuntface. Where Joe the Plumber’s working class, plain speaking credentials rendered him the perfect poster-boy for the Republican Party, Joel the Jew’s lisping nervousness, middle-aged dress sense and premature engagement with mainstream politics are bound to resonate strongly with the British public. Indeed, in an era where Britain has never been less sure of itself; what better figure for the country and its ailing politicians to rally around than Joel the Jew, standing for multiculturalism, rootlessness, radical post-nationalism and, most importantly,  a strong affinity for the M&S menswear department.

Weiner on Question Time with strange animal in corner

But, knowing from kaballah that there is no such thing as a coincidence, how to explain the fact that Joel has appeared as a questioner on two prime time shows? Once we reject the absurd suggestion that he simply queued up and got in to both, on account of being a bit of a geek, we at Jewdas can offer several explanations.

1) That there is in fact only only one Jew in Britain. Joel is he. Forget such luminaries as Vanessa Feltz, Esther Rantzen, Hendon Estate Agents and Stamford Hill Volvo drivers, they’re all imposters. Probably they’re just posing as Jews in the hope of getting funding. Naturally, as the UK’s sole Jew, Joel is highly in demand for television appearances.

2) Our knowledge of the classic game ‘Happy Jewish Families’ can reveal that Joel’s father is the esteemed Masorti Rabbi and halachic uber-geek, Chaim Weiner. Rabbi Weiner is a man who once demolished the Bible Code theory by performing a similar analysis on the Jerusalem telephone book. It would have been no trouble for Rabbi Weiner to whip up some kaballah spells to transport him from his Finchley home to television studios around the nation.

3) Joel Weiner is the Messiah. This is the most likely explanation. Appearing on popular TV shows would be the most likely way for Moshiach to introduce himself to the British People. He has come to proclaim a new era of love, peace, and dubious glasses for all. But, you say, hasn’t Joel explicitly denied being the messiah? We remind you THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT THE MESSIAH WOULD SAY. Do not be fooled.

We cannot promise that this new Jewish hero and nationwide pinup will appear on the next debate, but we can predict that the 3 leaders will find themselves rushing to proclaim ‘I agree with Joel’.

Sexy Joel

Joel, we salute you. A Hebrew hero for our times.

In the programme I stated that there was no such thing as an Israeli nationality.  I was interrupted by Hadar Sela, a minor Israeli propagandist, who informed me that there was an Israeli nationality.  Indeed it was written on her passport.  I therefore assumed, although this was before the Dubai murder, that Israel had the same attitude to passports as most countries and wouldn’t lie on such a document.  I was wrong.  I assumed instead that Ms Sela was therefore being untruthful about this as she was about much else (‘full equality in Israel between Jews and Arabs’ etc.).

Jonathan Hoffman, co-Chair of the Zionist Federation, intervened in the discussion to argue that there was indeed such a thing as an Israeli nationality and further, that ‘In calling her an “Israeli” you were yourself recognising her nationality! If Israel ‘nationality’ was confined to Jews that leaves non-Jews in Israel effectively stateless.’

Although one would perhaps expect a leading officer of Britain’s Zionist Federation to at least understand the ideological and political building blocks of the State he so avidly defends, this was clearly not the case.  Instead JH argued that ‘it is clearly wrong to mix up the diplomatic concept of ‘nationality’ qua ‘citizenship’ with the ‘peoplehood’ concept of ‘Jewish nation’.’ Because ‘As you well know there are many definitions of ‘who is a Jew?’ depending on who is doing the defining, but there is only one definition of ‘who now has Israeli nationality?’

In fact JH was not only wrong on all scores but nonetheless managed to confuse the question of ‘who is a Jew’ with Israeli citizenship and nationality.  In fact the situation is quite clear:

1. There is no Israeli nationality.

2. If there was such a category and it was confined only to Jews it wouldn’t leave non-Jews stateless as there are 132 other nationalities to choose from!!  All of which seem to be invented on the back of an envelope depending on the situation.

Is there an Israeli nationality?

Of this there can be no doubt.  As Shimon Agranat, head of the supreme court ruled in 1970 in a case brought by Tel Aviv psychologist, George Tamarin:
“There is no Israeli nation separate from the Jewish people.”

Agranat further ruled that

“the Jewish people is composed not only of those residing in Israel but also of Diaspora Jewry.”

[Oscar Kraines, The Impossible Dilemma: Who is a Jew in the State of Israel, p. 67).

As Menachem Begin, who even JH couldn’t accuse of being a self-hating anti-Zionist Jew explained:

‘In Western Europe or the United States, “nationality” is synonymous with “citizenship.” A national of a given state is a citizen of that state, or at least one born under its jurisdiction. In Central and Eastern Europe citizenship and nationality are distinct. We have Israeli citizens of diverse religions. on the other hand, Jewish nationality and religion must always go together.”

[Eliezer Goldman, Religious Issues in Israel’s Political Life]

Why is this Important

Some readers may wonder why I am stressing the importance of this.  Surely this is merely a juridicial issue?  A quirk of the Israeli state just as most states have their own quirks? E.g. the fact that the King or Queen of the UK cannot be a Catholic, is maybe just one of those things that enliven the tapestry of life?  Maybe not having an Israeli Nationality is merely a nod in the direction of official Zionist ideology, of which there is no practical consequence today?

If that were so, then of course there would be an argument for leaving this quaint arrangement as it was.  But in fact the distinction between Citizenship and Nationality goes to the heart of Israeli Apartheid.  It is a crucial legal component in the continuing dispossession and oppression of the Palestinians, especially those who have lived in the Israeli state since 1948.

It is also crucial to what makes Israel different from all other states (bar South Africa).  Israel is unique in being a State that is a state, not of its own citizens but of its Jewish nationals.  Indeed citizenship is becoming ever more meaningless as legislative attacks on Arab citizens of Israel become more frequent (e.g. not being allowed to live with a married partner from the Occupied Territories or being able to revoke the citizenship of Arabs).  Israel is a Jewish State, a state of its Jewish nationals as opposed to all of its citizens.  That is why it is not a democratic state but one which is ever fearful that the non-Jews (Arabs) are going to breed and multiply and outnumber Jews.  That is the ‘demographic problem’ as it is quaintly termed.

Legal Challenge to Refusal to Include Israeli Nationality

One would think that with 132 nationalities at its disposal, the Israeli Interior Ministry would have no difficulty in adding a 133rd – Israeli.  After all this is Israel!  However that would be like passing the proverbial ham sandwich round the congregants at Yom Kippur.

So Uzzi Ornan, a retired linguistics professor and a number of other distinguished Israelis, including Shulamit Aloni and Uri Avneri, (ex MKs) have added their names to the petition to the High Court asking for there to be an Israeli nationality. Ornan himself has been active in the “I am Israeli” movement, which strives for equality among all Israelis. To this end several appeals were submitted to Israeli courts.

The petition has already been rejected by the lower court and no one expects the appeal to succeed, however much embarrassment it causes.

But back to Hadar Selah.  How is it that a minor Zionist propagandist can point to her passport, which clearly has written in English the words ‘Nationality’ and opposite that in Hebrew ‘Ezrahut’ (which is actually citizenship, ‘Le’om’ being the correct term for nationality).  I must confess I was somewhat struck for an answer.  Surely Israel doesn’t deliberately seek to mislead the officials of other states when an Israeli citizen presents their passport.  Surely this is one conspiracy theory too far?

Well that was also my view until I read Jonathan Cook’s “Israeli Nation” vs. “Jewish State” Cook is one of the best journalists writing on Israel and lives in Nazareth.  This what he wrote, quoting the Petition of Ornan and co:

“The group also said it hoped to expose a verbal sleight of hand that intentionally mistranslates the Hebrew term “Israeli citizenship” on the country’s passports as “Israeli nationality” in English to avoid problems with foreign border officials.”

And if that wasn’t enough then the veteran journalist B Michael, of Yedioth Aharonot, Israel’s most popular newspaper, observed that: “We are all Israeli nationals — but only abroad.”

And then it all fell into place.  Internally, within Israel there is no such thing as an Israeli nationality.  But for the goys and those abroad there is!   And the reason?  As Uri Avnery explains:

“The State of Israel cannot recognise an ‘Israeli’ nation because it is the state of the ‘Jewish’ nation … it belongs to the Jews of Brooklyn, Budapest and Buenos Aires, even though these consider themselves as belonging to the American, Hungarian or Argentine nations.”

In an appropriately named article ‘No ‘Israelis’ in Israel?’ Ynet observes that:
‘since 1992 Israeli passports declare their holder to be of ‘Israeli Nationality,’ therefore the State does acknowledge such an identity.’

However, Uzzi Ornan, is unlikely to be  successful in his petition because although an Israeli passport may indeed declare the existence of an Israeli nationality, the Supreme Court and legislature of Israel deny any such entity exists, because an Israeli nation would have to include non-Jews.  No longer would the Israeli State be the vehicle for fulfilment of the Zionist project’s main goal, the ‘ingathering of the Jewish exiles’.  It would be just another state in which large numbers of Jews live rather than the centre of Jewish existence.

But since Jonathan Hoffman is quite happy with the idea of an Israeli nation, indeed he believes there already is one, wouldn’t it be excellent if he were to add his name to Ornan’s petition?   In the name of the British Zionist Federation of course!

Tony Greenstein

I admit this is old hat, but the video that triggered that wonderful memory was the conversation between Alan Dershowitz and Norman Finkelstein on Democracy Now! Radio 2003.  By proxy of Noam Chomsky’s rebuffs, I’ve kind of grown up on Dershowitz. To watch such a powerful man squirm for a whole hour when faced with Finkelstein’s accusation of double fraud - plagiarism of a fraudulent book – is sheer delight.

[For some reason you might need to refresh your browser to make this video show. If you can't see it, here is its page]

As a consequence of this debate it was not Dershowitz who lost his academic position, but rather Finkelstein himself. I won’t make any jokes about how that’s a bit like being thrown out of a Shabbes dinner for standing up to racism…

A documentary about Finkelstein is now touring, American Radical. And just so I don’t get accused of plagiarism, my original source for this debate came from Electronic Intifada.

In Chelm, where I grew up, I remember a town of many Jews and a fair few Gentiles. My family, like all the Jewish families in Chelm used to lament the Czar and then later during the Polish-Russian War they lamented the Communist occupation and then they lamented the nationalist government and when the Nazis came, they stopped lamenting. Then in the displaced persons’ camp they started lamenting again, and briefly we lamented in the land of Israel, and then in the Lower East side, a hotel in Cincinnati, on subjects ranging from the Yiddish Press to whether a Soviet Invasion of America would be a good thing or not, until finally on a vacation in Niagara Falls, I decided I had had enough of these wandering lamentations and decided to return to Chelm to live out my days.

I recall from my childhood that even in a provincial town like Chelm, far away from Warsaw, many people thought of themselves as revolutionaries. My father, who was a Bundist, took me to the hill overlooking Chelm and told me to take off my glasses. “What do you see?” he asked me. “Its blurry” I replied. “Exactly!” my father responded, getting increasingly excited, “But in the future, you will see Jews from the East unto the West.” “Which direction is East and which direction is West?” I asked. My father tutted. “Nudnigs Eat Saltbeef Whenever” he said pointing to the left and then the right. “The point is, the Bundists are going to create new Jews, no longer needing spectacles. And what are the Zionists doing? Nothing! Apart from sitting around all day discussing Zionist theory.” When as an old man he was receiving corrective eye surgery in a Tel Aviv clinic and was able to see the world again anew, I reminded my father of his words. He simply replied that my story was nonsense as there was no such hill overlooking Chelm.

I found the once proud community a shadow of its former self. The synagogue across the road from where I grew up had been converted into well to do flats for government officials. The street had lost its hustle and bustle. Jewish women in modest dresses had been replaced by gentile women who smiled knowingly at drunken men standing outside local bars making comments and winking at them as they walked past. My return doubled the number of Jews in Chelm. There were now two Jews in Chelm – myself and the local Catholic Priest. The priest was a real mensch. During the war, he had been a righteous gentile and later he had been made an honorary Jew by the state of Israel in recognition of his activities.

He had instigated a whispering campaign implying that prominent local Nazis had large noses and slight curls at the end of their hair. Nazi officers, shocked that they possessed anything other than pure Aryan features would visit the only plastic surgeon in the area, Doctor Levertov, and the best barber in town, Shmuel Grinsky and would beg to be helped.

The priest’s rumours took hold with such persuasion, that Hitler himself if he had been in the area would have visited the local barber to get imperceptible adjustments to his hair. Over time, these rumours became the major source of income to the Chelm ghetto and allowed them to purchase and smuggle in three revolvers, which were used in the famous Chelm Ghetto Brunch Uprising of August 19^th, 11.03 – 11.57 am, so called because it started when Grodzinskis in Chelm started to refuse to sell buerekas after 11am on weekdays.

Throughout all the lamentations, the worst thing that ever happened to me, happened many years later, because of Bela. Bela was the woman I married when I returned to Chelm. She was short, had black curls, dark eyes, a prominent nose and I was sure cooked the best chicken soup in South East Poland. She was a Gentile, but if you were the type to marry a Gentile, she was as close to the real thing as you were going to get.

One year, the day before Yom Kippur. I had been out trying to eat as much food as possible in anticipation of the fast ahead. I returned home having eaten the finest dishes from three of Chelm’s best restaurants. I was already looking forward to breaking the fast in just over a days time. When I entered the kitchen, Bela was just finishing a bowlful of tortellini. “Would you like some?” she asked, “There is some in the pot.” “Bela my little Bagele” I replied,  “why not?” and put some on a plate. The taste was unfamiliar to me. Not worse or better than the familiar tastes of tortellini I knew, just different. It certainly was not Spinach and Ricotta.

After a few mouthfuls I began to become suspicious. “Bela?” I asked. “What is inside this tortellini?” “Oh” she replied, “I’m sorry, pork and mushroom”. “Pork! you know I cannot eat pork.” “I’m sorry, what will happen?” An image entered my mind of a small pink animal with a short curled tail ready to blow my old house opposite the synagagogue down. “Its Yom Kippur. Nothing will happen, but it is the most important day of the year.” I looked at her and her dark ringlets and cursed my luck. I began to feel sick, as if all the sins of living in a town with only one other Jew, unable to form a Minyan were upon me. Eating pork just before the Kol Nidre service, I will have treif meat inside me on the holiest day of the Jewish year. Throughout all the wanderings, it is my own wife that brings such a calamity upon me. Truly I thought, this is the reason why they say Jews should not marry Gentiles.

Rudolf der Roiter Noz Renifer

Rudolf der roiter noz renifer
gehot a zhe sheyne noz
un yederer ver gezent im
veln zogn afile es gleet!

Ale foon der anderer renifern
hobn gelacht un gezidlt
keyn mol gemegt orem rudolf
arayngetrotn in nit renifer shpieln.

vayter in fargeflt nitl nacht,
santa hot gezogt:
“rudolf mit dayn sheyne noz,
vilstoo firn mayn shlitn?”

vayter hob libe im ale di renifern
un zey gerooft mit chedve,
rudolf der roiter noz renifer
du vilst aroontergeyn in historye!