Truth is its been a little difficult. We realised long ago that all the parties were extremely BAD FOR THE JEWS, and inexplicably issues such as the high price of Kosher meat have not dominated the agenda.

But finally we have our story.

Our Hero. Looking slightly like an extra from a Jack Rosenthal film

Quick witted viewers of the first leaders debate will have noticed that the kippah (thats skullcup for gentiles and stupid Jews) wearing teenager asking a question, was the same one who questioned Nick Griffin on the infamous Question Time a few months ago. The very same Jew! The Hebraic youth, who Jewdas is proud to name as Joel Weiner (formerly Jojo – ahhhh) has stunned political leaders by asking searching questions such as ‘Isn’t it a bad idea to deny the holocaust?’ and ‘Don’t you think there are too many tests in schools?’. It is thought that next week he’ll be at Vatican questioning the Catholic credentials of Pope Ratzinger. Young Joel has already spawned a facebook group ‘The Jewish Kid from the First Election Debate’ which has gained an extraordinary 12,500 fans, some of whom may not be from Barnet. The group’s wall contains much wisdom, including such nuggets as ‘he’s sexy’,  ‘Joel for Prime Minister’ and ‘He should have gone to SpecSavers’. He has also achieved a wikipedia page, on which he is pictured demonstrating the style that we believe is known as ‘JFS chic’.

Of course pundits are already drawing the more than obvious parallels with the man-on-the-street star of the American Presidential elections, Joe the Plumber. Joel, already dubbed ‘Joel the Jew’, is more than likely to encompass this role through his easily identifiable affinity with the issues affecting the average British voter, be they Worcestor Woman, Plymouth Polygamist or Chichester Cuntface. Where Joe the Plumber’s working class, plain speaking credentials rendered him the perfect poster-boy for the Republican Party, Joel the Jew’s lisping nervousness, middle-aged dress sense and premature engagement with mainstream politics are bound to resonate strongly with the British public. Indeed, in an era where Britain has never been less sure of itself; what better figure for the country and its ailing politicians to rally around than Joel the Jew, standing for multiculturalism, rootlessness, radical post-nationalism and, most importantly,  a strong affinity for the M&S menswear department.

Weiner on Question Time with strange animal in corner

But, knowing from kaballah that there is no such thing as a coincidence, how to explain the fact that Joel has appeared as a questioner on two prime time shows? Once we reject the absurd suggestion that he simply queued up and got in to both, on account of being a bit of a geek, we at Jewdas can offer several explanations.

1) That there is in fact only only one Jew in Britain. Joel is he. Forget such luminaries as Vanessa Feltz, Esther Rantzen, Hendon Estate Agents and Stamford Hill Volvo drivers, they’re all imposters. Probably they’re just posing as Jews in the hope of getting funding. Naturally, as the UK’s sole Jew, Joel is highly in demand for television appearances.

2) Our knowledge of the classic game ‘Happy Jewish Families’ can reveal that Joel’s father is the esteemed Masorti Rabbi and halachic uber-geek, Chaim Weiner. Rabbi Weiner is a man who once demolished the Bible Code theory by performing a similar analysis on the Jerusalem telephone book. It would have been no trouble for Rabbi Weiner to whip up some kaballah spells to transport him from his Finchley home to television studios around the nation.

3) Joel Weiner is the Messiah. This is the most likely explanation. Appearing on popular TV shows would be the most likely way for Moshiach to introduce himself to the British People. He has come to proclaim a new era of love, peace, and dubious glasses for all. But, you say, hasn’t Joel explicitly denied being the messiah? We remind you THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT THE MESSIAH WOULD SAY. Do not be fooled.

We cannot promise that this new Jewish hero and nationwide pinup will appear on the next debate, but we can predict that the 3 leaders will find themselves rushing to proclaim ‘I agree with Joel’.

Sexy Joel

Joel, we salute you. A Hebrew hero for our times.

In the programme I stated that there was no such thing as an Israeli nationality.  I was interrupted by Hadar Sela, a minor Israeli propagandist, who informed me that there was an Israeli nationality.  Indeed it was written on her passport.  I therefore assumed, although this was before the Dubai murder, that Israel had the same attitude to passports as most countries and wouldn’t lie on such a document.  I was wrong.  I assumed instead that Ms Sela was therefore being untruthful about this as she was about much else (‘full equality in Israel between Jews and Arabs’ etc.).

Jonathan Hoffman, co-Chair of the Zionist Federation, intervened in the discussion to argue that there was indeed such a thing as an Israeli nationality and further, that ‘In calling her an “Israeli” you were yourself recognising her nationality! If Israel ‘nationality’ was confined to Jews that leaves non-Jews in Israel effectively stateless.’

Although one would perhaps expect a leading officer of Britain’s Zionist Federation to at least understand the ideological and political building blocks of the State he so avidly defends, this was clearly not the case.  Instead JH argued that ‘it is clearly wrong to mix up the diplomatic concept of ‘nationality’ qua ‘citizenship’ with the ‘peoplehood’ concept of ‘Jewish nation’.’ Because ‘As you well know there are many definitions of ‘who is a Jew?’ depending on who is doing the defining, but there is only one definition of ‘who now has Israeli nationality?’

In fact JH was not only wrong on all scores but nonetheless managed to confuse the question of ‘who is a Jew’ with Israeli citizenship and nationality.  In fact the situation is quite clear:

1. There is no Israeli nationality.

2. If there was such a category and it was confined only to Jews it wouldn’t leave non-Jews stateless as there are 132 other nationalities to choose from!!  All of which seem to be invented on the back of an envelope depending on the situation.

Is there an Israeli nationality?

Of this there can be no doubt.  As Shimon Agranat, head of the supreme court ruled in 1970 in a case brought by Tel Aviv psychologist, George Tamarin:
“There is no Israeli nation separate from the Jewish people.”

Agranat further ruled that

“the Jewish people is composed not only of those residing in Israel but also of Diaspora Jewry.”

[Oscar Kraines, The Impossible Dilemma: Who is a Jew in the State of Israel, p. 67).

As Menachem Begin, who even JH couldn’t accuse of being a self-hating anti-Zionist Jew explained:

‘In Western Europe or the United States, “nationality” is synonymous with “citizenship.” A national of a given state is a citizen of that state, or at least one born under its jurisdiction. In Central and Eastern Europe citizenship and nationality are distinct. We have Israeli citizens of diverse religions. on the other hand, Jewish nationality and religion must always go together.”

[Eliezer Goldman, Religious Issues in Israel’s Political Life]

Why is this Important

Some readers may wonder why I am stressing the importance of this.  Surely this is merely a juridicial issue?  A quirk of the Israeli state just as most states have their own quirks? E.g. the fact that the King or Queen of the UK cannot be a Catholic, is maybe just one of those things that enliven the tapestry of life?  Maybe not having an Israeli Nationality is merely a nod in the direction of official Zionist ideology, of which there is no practical consequence today?

If that were so, then of course there would be an argument for leaving this quaint arrangement as it was.  But in fact the distinction between Citizenship and Nationality goes to the heart of Israeli Apartheid.  It is a crucial legal component in the continuing dispossession and oppression of the Palestinians, especially those who have lived in the Israeli state since 1948.

It is also crucial to what makes Israel different from all other states (bar South Africa).  Israel is unique in being a State that is a state, not of its own citizens but of its Jewish nationals.  Indeed citizenship is becoming ever more meaningless as legislative attacks on Arab citizens of Israel become more frequent (e.g. not being allowed to live with a married partner from the Occupied Territories or being able to revoke the citizenship of Arabs).  Israel is a Jewish State, a state of its Jewish nationals as opposed to all of its citizens.  That is why it is not a democratic state but one which is ever fearful that the non-Jews (Arabs) are going to breed and multiply and outnumber Jews.  That is the ‘demographic problem’ as it is quaintly termed.

Legal Challenge to Refusal to Include Israeli Nationality

One would think that with 132 nationalities at its disposal, the Israeli Interior Ministry would have no difficulty in adding a 133rd – Israeli.  After all this is Israel!  However that would be like passing the proverbial ham sandwich round the congregants at Yom Kippur.

So Uzzi Ornan, a retired linguistics professor and a number of other distinguished Israelis, including Shulamit Aloni and Uri Avneri, (ex MKs) have added their names to the petition to the High Court asking for there to be an Israeli nationality. Ornan himself has been active in the “I am Israeli” movement, which strives for equality among all Israelis. To this end several appeals were submitted to Israeli courts.

The petition has already been rejected by the lower court and no one expects the appeal to succeed, however much embarrassment it causes.

But back to Hadar Selah.  How is it that a minor Zionist propagandist can point to her passport, which clearly has written in English the words ‘Nationality’ and opposite that in Hebrew ‘Ezrahut’ (which is actually citizenship, ‘Le’om’ being the correct term for nationality).  I must confess I was somewhat struck for an answer.  Surely Israel doesn’t deliberately seek to mislead the officials of other states when an Israeli citizen presents their passport.  Surely this is one conspiracy theory too far?

Well that was also my view until I read Jonathan Cook’s “Israeli Nation” vs. “Jewish State” Cook is one of the best journalists writing on Israel and lives in Nazareth.  This what he wrote, quoting the Petition of Ornan and co:

“The group also said it hoped to expose a verbal sleight of hand that intentionally mistranslates the Hebrew term “Israeli citizenship” on the country’s passports as “Israeli nationality” in English to avoid problems with foreign border officials.”

And if that wasn’t enough then the veteran journalist B Michael, of Yedioth Aharonot, Israel’s most popular newspaper, observed that: “We are all Israeli nationals — but only abroad.”

And then it all fell into place.  Internally, within Israel there is no such thing as an Israeli nationality.  But for the goys and those abroad there is!   And the reason?  As Uri Avnery explains:

“The State of Israel cannot recognise an ‘Israeli’ nation because it is the state of the ‘Jewish’ nation … it belongs to the Jews of Brooklyn, Budapest and Buenos Aires, even though these consider themselves as belonging to the American, Hungarian or Argentine nations.”

In an appropriately named article ‘No ‘Israelis’ in Israel?’ Ynet observes that:
‘since 1992 Israeli passports declare their holder to be of ‘Israeli Nationality,’ therefore the State does acknowledge such an identity.’

However, Uzzi Ornan, is unlikely to be  successful in his petition because although an Israeli passport may indeed declare the existence of an Israeli nationality, the Supreme Court and legislature of Israel deny any such entity exists, because an Israeli nation would have to include non-Jews.  No longer would the Israeli State be the vehicle for fulfilment of the Zionist project’s main goal, the ‘ingathering of the Jewish exiles’.  It would be just another state in which large numbers of Jews live rather than the centre of Jewish existence.

But since Jonathan Hoffman is quite happy with the idea of an Israeli nation, indeed he believes there already is one, wouldn’t it be excellent if he were to add his name to Ornan’s petition?   In the name of the British Zionist Federation of course!

Tony Greenstein

I admit this is old hat, but the video that triggered that wonderful memory was the conversation between Alan Dershowitz and Norman Finkelstein on Democracy Now! Radio 2003.  By proxy of Noam Chomsky’s rebuffs, I’ve kind of grown up on Dershowitz. To watch such a powerful man squirm for a whole hour when faced with Finkelstein’s accusation of double fraud - plagiarism of a fraudulent book – is sheer delight.

[For some reason you might need to refresh your browser to make this video show. If you can't see it, here is its page]

As a consequence of this debate it was not Dershowitz who lost his academic position, but rather Finkelstein himself. I won’t make any jokes about how that’s a bit like being thrown out of a Shabbes dinner for standing up to racism…

A documentary about Finkelstein is now touring, American Radical. And just so I don’t get accused of plagiarism, my original source for this debate came from Electronic Intifada.

In Chelm, where I grew up, I remember a town of many Jews and a fair few Gentiles. My family, like all the Jewish families in Chelm used to lament the Czar and then later during the Polish-Russian War they lamented the Communist occupation and then they lamented the nationalist government and when the Nazis came, they stopped lamenting. Then in the displaced persons’ camp they started lamenting again, and briefly we lamented in the land of Israel, and then in the Lower East side, a hotel in Cincinnati, on subjects ranging from the Yiddish Press to whether a Soviet Invasion of America would be a good thing or not, until finally on a vacation in Niagara Falls, I decided I had had enough of these wandering lamentations and decided to return to Chelm to live out my days.

I recall from my childhood that even in a provincial town like Chelm, far away from Warsaw, many people thought of themselves as revolutionaries. My father, who was a Bundist, took me to the hill overlooking Chelm and told me to take off my glasses. “What do you see?” he asked me. “Its blurry” I replied. “Exactly!” my father responded, getting increasingly excited, “But in the future, you will see Jews from the East unto the West.” “Which direction is East and which direction is West?” I asked. My father tutted. “Nudnigs Eat Saltbeef Whenever” he said pointing to the left and then the right. “The point is, the Bundists are going to create new Jews, no longer needing spectacles. And what are the Zionists doing? Nothing! Apart from sitting around all day discussing Zionist theory.” When as an old man he was receiving corrective eye surgery in a Tel Aviv clinic and was able to see the world again anew, I reminded my father of his words. He simply replied that my story was nonsense as there was no such hill overlooking Chelm.

I found the once proud community a shadow of its former self. The synagogue across the road from where I grew up had been converted into well to do flats for government officials. The street had lost its hustle and bustle. Jewish women in modest dresses had been replaced by gentile women who smiled knowingly at drunken men standing outside local bars making comments and winking at them as they walked past. My return doubled the number of Jews in Chelm. There were now two Jews in Chelm – myself and the local Catholic Priest. The priest was a real mensch. During the war, he had been a righteous gentile and later he had been made an honorary Jew by the state of Israel in recognition of his activities.

He had instigated a whispering campaign implying that prominent local Nazis had large noses and slight curls at the end of their hair. Nazi officers, shocked that they possessed anything other than pure Aryan features would visit the only plastic surgeon in the area, Doctor Levertov, and the best barber in town, Shmuel Grinsky and would beg to be helped.

The priest’s rumours took hold with such persuasion, that Hitler himself if he had been in the area would have visited the local barber to get imperceptible adjustments to his hair. Over time, these rumours became the major source of income to the Chelm ghetto and allowed them to purchase and smuggle in three revolvers, which were used in the famous Chelm Ghetto Brunch Uprising of August 19^th, 11.03 – 11.57 am, so called because it started when Grodzinskis in Chelm started to refuse to sell buerekas after 11am on weekdays.

Throughout all the lamentations, the worst thing that ever happened to me, happened many years later, because of Bela. Bela was the woman I married when I returned to Chelm. She was short, had black curls, dark eyes, a prominent nose and I was sure cooked the best chicken soup in South East Poland. She was a Gentile, but if you were the type to marry a Gentile, she was as close to the real thing as you were going to get.

One year, the day before Yom Kippur. I had been out trying to eat as much food as possible in anticipation of the fast ahead. I returned home having eaten the finest dishes from three of Chelm’s best restaurants. I was already looking forward to breaking the fast in just over a days time. When I entered the kitchen, Bela was just finishing a bowlful of tortellini. “Would you like some?” she asked, “There is some in the pot.” “Bela my little Bagele” I replied,  “why not?” and put some on a plate. The taste was unfamiliar to me. Not worse or better than the familiar tastes of tortellini I knew, just different. It certainly was not Spinach and Ricotta.

After a few mouthfuls I began to become suspicious. “Bela?” I asked. “What is inside this tortellini?” “Oh” she replied, “I’m sorry, pork and mushroom”. “Pork! you know I cannot eat pork.” “I’m sorry, what will happen?” An image entered my mind of a small pink animal with a short curled tail ready to blow my old house opposite the synagagogue down. “Its Yom Kippur. Nothing will happen, but it is the most important day of the year.” I looked at her and her dark ringlets and cursed my luck. I began to feel sick, as if all the sins of living in a town with only one other Jew, unable to form a Minyan were upon me. Eating pork just before the Kol Nidre service, I will have treif meat inside me on the holiest day of the Jewish year. Throughout all the wanderings, it is my own wife that brings such a calamity upon me. Truly I thought, this is the reason why they say Jews should not marry Gentiles.

Rudolf der Roiter Noz Renifer

Rudolf der roiter noz renifer
gehot a zhe sheyne noz
un yederer ver gezent im
veln zogn afile es gleet!

Ale foon der anderer renifern
hobn gelacht un gezidlt
keyn mol gemegt orem rudolf
arayngetrotn in nit renifer shpieln.

vayter in fargeflt nitl nacht,
santa hot gezogt:
“rudolf mit dayn sheyne noz,
vilstoo firn mayn shlitn?”

vayter hob libe im ale di renifern
un zey gerooft mit chedve,
rudolf der roiter noz renifer
du vilst aroontergeyn in historye!

OMG. I had to remind Mum this afternoon that I’m 15 and really not a baby any more. She suggested she take me and Christina (that’s my sister) to the cinema to see Fantastic Mr Fox tomorrow. Perfect for baby 8-year-old Chrissie, but I’d rather see the new Twilight Saga film. I said we could go together. I could see Twighlight and Mum and Chrissie could see their baby film, but, noooo, I can’t see a film on my own. What if someone abducts me? Really, I can get abducted walking home from school, but I didn’t say that to Mum. I don’t want her getting me a babysitter, for God’s sake. Dad told us to stop arguing. He’s really strssed just now because he’s worried people are going to start digging around in his expenses claim. He’s a local councillor, Conservative, and a twat. He wears a suit and parts his hair on the side and polishes his shoes every morning and says we should have a cap on immigration cos there are too many foreigners around here. I think foreigners make the place interesting. Really, I’d be sooooo bored if I didn’t get to chat to Magda, our cleaner. She’s Polish. This house is so dull and Magda always has something interesting to talk about. Yesterday she told me about her boyfriend who works in Tesco. He’s a guitarist and a Medical student, but he’s stopped going to university in Poland to get some money to fund his final year.

Rebecca, she’s in the year above me at school, has a new boyfriend. She met him at the skate park on Sunday night. She had a photo of him on her phone. He’s 18 and he’s got a goatee beard and an earring. He looks soooooo mature, not like the boys at school.  His name is Andrew, but he prefers to be called Ghostman. He sings in a metal band too. She showed me some of his lyrics. They’re, like, really meaningful. About death and stuff. I told Mum and Dad about Rebecca and Ghostman over dinner, just to see their reaction. Dad said he’d better not catch me with any boyfriend and banned me from seeing Rebecca for a week. She’s a bad influence, apparently. Well, that just shows what a low opinion he has of me. He thinks I’m too immature to make decisions about love and stuff. I expect he thinks I’ll catch AIDS from some junkie lowlife I’d jump into bed with at the first opportunity.

I had netball practice after school today. It was raining and Miss Jameson, our coach, told me I need to work on my footwork. I think she might be a dyke. She comes into the changing rooms to tell us to hurry up when we’re still in the showers. All women PE teachers are gay. At least, they are in films.

Lucy’s my best friend. She really is, so that’s why I said I’d go to her chess club tomorrow night. She thinks Miss Jameson is a dyke too. Anyway, she’s been begging me to come to the chess club for weeks cos there’s a guy she likes there. She wants me to check him out and to give her an excuse to talk to him cos she can intruduce me to him and say we’re going ice skating on Friday and ask him if he wants to come too. He’s called Ryan and he’s home educated. He sounds like a LOOOOO-SSSSSER, but I’m not going to tell Lucy that. I bet it’s full of geeky guys like Ryan and girls in hand-knitted wooly jumpers and big glasses. Lucy wear glasses, but not big ones and she sometimes wears wooly jumpers. It’ll be sooooooo boring. Dad’s pleased I’m going to the chess club. He thinks I’ll meet some ‘nice new intelligent friends from respectable families’. Maybe if I start mixing with young people who work hard at school, he says, I might follow my mother into the teaching profession. Ha! Fat chance! She’s an RE teacher, which you’d think would make her tolerant of people, but she just isn’t. She thinks Lucy’s mum is a crakpot cos she thinks the Earth is alive, like it gave birth to everything living on it, so we have to look after the Earth in return for the gift of life. Well, it is a bit odd, but  they teach RE in schools to make us more tolerent of eachother, not to dismiss other peoples’ beliefs. Mum’s really no role model. Now, Lucy’s mum, she’d be a good person to look up to.

Anyway, I’m going to bed now. Chrissie’s watching some stupid TV programme in her room next door. I’ve asked her to turn it down, but she just told me to piss off.

Wednesday

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. I take back everything I said about the chess club being full of ugly geeky guys. Ryan’s not much of a looker, but his friend….. Oh WOW!!!!! He offered to teach me the basics of chess and we ended up chatting all evening. He’s called Moishe Herzl Zionberg. He’s 16, a bit taller than me, has dark curly hair (like an Afro but he’s white), dark eyes, very skinny, wears a weird hat thing clipped in his hair. Shows he’s creative cos he’s making a fashion statement. We invited Moishe and Ryan to come ice skating with us on Friday,but Moishe said he’s not allowed out on Friday night. He can go on Sunday though. I hope Rebecca can do Sunday too otherwise it’ll have to be Friday without the delectable Moishe. I think I’m in love!

Moishe’s an unusual name. I’ve never met anyone with that name before. Maybe it’s foreign? He doesn’t really look English with all that dark hair and his nose isn’t…. well, it’s not unnoticable. Maybe he’s a Muslim? That’d sooooooooooooo annoy Mum and Dad! Can you imagine? They’d hit the roof! Awesome!

Thursday

I couldn’t sleep last night. I was thinking about Moishe all night. He’s just soooooo hot! I asked Mum if Muslims wear hats and she says the men sometimes do, so Moishe must be a Muslim. Rebecca says she can’t go ice skating tomorrow anyway cos she’s going to Ghostman’s gig. His band’s called The Bringers of the Apocalypse. That’s sooo cool and, like, meaningful. Not like the crappy trash you hear on the radio. So, we can go ice skating on Sunday instead and Moishe can come! I’m sooooo nervous. What am I going to wear??! I don’t want to look slutty and I have to wear something I can actually skate in, but I want to impress him. I don’t really have the boobs for a low-cut top, but I can make up for that with a mini-skirt, maybe?

Lucy’s going to an anti-capitalist rally with her mum on Saturday. She said I can come and help make a placard after school tomorrow. Lucy’s mum’s sooooo cool. She has pink dreadlocks and loads of piercings. She even has one through her septum, that’s the bit in your nose between the nostrils. She asked me if I wanted to go with them on Saturday, but there’s no point in even asking my stupid square parents, they’d say no straight away and ground me for a week.

Sunday

OMG! OMG! OMG! OH. MY. GOD!!! I had the best time EVER ice skating today. Rebecca and Ghostman, Lucy and Ryan, and me and Moishe. Moishe’s never skated before so I got to HOLD HIS HAND!!!!! I was soooo excited. My heart was thumping the whole time. After skating, we had McDonalds but Moishe didn’t eat anything. He said he had a sandwich he’d eat on the bus home. Weird. Maybe he’s got food allergies. I asked him if he’s a Muslim, but he just laughed and said ‘Duh! I’m a fucking Heeb, Susie’! I’m not sure what he meant. Maybe he was making a joke? I don’t want to ask Mum what a Heeb is. It might be rude. I’ll ask Rebecca. If Moishe isn’t a Muslim, what is he? Maybe he’s a Sikh? They’re from places like India and Pakistan, but I’m sure I’ve read about white Sikhs in one of Mum’s RE books. Don’t Sikhs have turbans and beards, though? Or is that Hindus? Maybe I’ll be Mrs. Susie Herzl Zionberg one day. Anyway, I’m going to bed now to have sweet dreams about Moishe. Goodnight!

Jewish Babies - that's what we want to see!

A landmark study, commissioned by the Board of Deputies’ ‘Better Judaism’ department (now defunct) has come up with the astonishing finding: ‘Judaism Bad for the Jews’.

The study revealed hours wasted in prayer, study and social action, depriving the community of essential time for schmoozing, procreation and defending Israel.

“We were astonished”, said Board President Vivien Winegum “We had always known that excessive practice of Judaism could be detrimental to a person’s health, but this study reveals that the whole of the Jewish religion stands in contrast to the key continuity agenda. What’s the point of  having all those Yom Kippur seats filled with middle aged people who have already made their Jewish babies? They should be staffing the phones at the Israeli embassy!

The report has been well received amongst rank and file deputies, who could be seen tearing up their synagogue membership and looking forward to more time on the golf course. Board Vice President Jerry Lewis gave assurances that the report would allow meetings with fascist Israeli ministers to continue unabated.

The Board has made a strongly worded request to the UJIA demanding that all funding be redirected towards building Jewish tanks, helmets and brothels. In their response, the UJIA questioned the notion that they ought to do any work at all, pointing out that their year was packed full with a busy schedule of Kosher lunches.

In other responses:

The MRJ, the Movement for Reformed Judaism (slogan: we reformed once, lets not do it again) pointed out that they were already committed to eliminating Jewish content whenever possible. President Tony Bayfield pointed out that he had a principled stance of seeing what the JC said and acting accordingly.

The Mahamad of the Spanish and Portuguese synagogue said its contribution would be to sack rabbis wherever possible, and that it had already made a good start on this.

Aish Hatorah claimed to be ahead of the game, having long ago found the perfect formula for Jewish continuity:
x + 3y x cheap flights – intellectual credibility + 324234234242342hashem34543534 – jewx + 2 = Jewish future.

Zionist Federation President Jonathan Hoffman shook his rattle and demanded more sweeties.

A tough day at the court for Rabbi Sex

Heard about the new entrance requirements for Jewish Schools?

Oy a Broch!

Is is too much to ask for us to benefit from the race relations act when it suits us and opt out when its inconvenient?

So, as those parents eager to keep their children away from the goyim for as long as possible will know, one now needs to get a certain number of points, and conveniently, points win prizes!

While the criteria does award 1 point apiece for having some Jewish knowledge (outrageous! you actually want us to study this Hebrew crap?) and having a parent volunteer for a Jewish organisation (does Jewdas count? JFJFP? thought not), one gets the most points (3! B’emet!) for engaging in the least favourite activity of the jew, going to synagogue. Handily you only need 3 points, so no pesky volunteering or learning required, just pop in down the old shul, pretend to pray a bit, try to stay awake during the sermon, down a few fishballs and you’re done! Even more handily, many shuls have set up a post box system, where you simply pop your child’s card in, proving their attendance, and then, as many have done, you can leave! More time for golf and swingers parties (if in Radlett).

But for those for whom even this dangerously lax system is too much, Jewdas comes to the rescue. For a very reasonable fee, the right honourable Rabbi Dr Lord Jeffery Cohen of wherever-the-simchah-is will come to your house and award you points directly. He is even happy to come on Shabbat, when he will be chauffered by his team of shabbes drivers, some of whom are not jewish and some of whom are chimpanzees.

Mezuzah on the Door                                                          1 Point

Hot Bagels in Kitchen and

in Rabbi Jeffrey’s Mouth                                                     1 Point

Use of the Phrase:

‘Is it Good for the Jews’                                                       2 Points

Demonstration of the Hora in Living Room                   2 1/2 points

Ownership of House in Hampstead

(deeds required, tenancy insufficient)                              3 1/2 Points

Blow Job for Rabbi Jeffrey                                                 450 points

Points may be deducted for parents who demonstrate ‘excessive Jewish knowledge’, which Rabbi Jeffrey finds embarrassing.

Rabbi Jeffrey promises that his report will be sent to your choice of Jewish school within two days, or whenever he can bothered, whichever is the later. Rabbi Jeffery has added a clause to the contract, to the effect that should the Supreme Court overturn the JFS ruling, neither Bagels or Blow Jobs can be returned.

Uncle Moishe and the Yeshiva Boys Choir.

I love this. So much. And I want it: not just chol hamoed sukkos like this video, but every bloody shabbat. Fuck shulgoing, prayers, study, every Jewish occasion should be like a circus. Think how many converts we’d get! And how many marriages! In such a messianic utopia Uncle Moishe would be acknowledged king by all.

Jonathan Sacks can only dream of singing like Uncle Moishe. All that smooth spoken words waxing lyrical while the Neimah singers provide backing lounge music? Not good enough Rabbi Sex. No wonder all the kinderle are marrying out!

Here’s another classic. Come on now, oy, yoy yoy yoy yoy, yoy  yoy yoy yoy, yoy yoy yoy VAY    But can we be sure the Pizza is glatt? Looks a bit suspect to me.

Now I know what you’re thinking, and I guess I’m thinking this too,  how the fuck does this challenge hetro-norms enough to grant it the esteemed Music For Faygelachs banner? Hmm. Good question. I’m not sure it does. Why is it here? Ummm. I don’t know. I just kind of thought it was a funny song, ‘Jewish donuts’ and all that…