The weather is cold, the nights are dark, the wild beasts are out in force. Rumour has it that:
In a bizarre and unholy alliance, the combined forces of Opus Dei, Scientology, Islamic Jihad and the Kabbalah Centre are plotting a dark and twisted evening of black magic, spirit summoning and goats. The secretive cabal held a ballot, taken from the electoral register, to determine who should lead the extraordinary event. The (un)lucky name: Jeffrey Cohen. Unnerved at hearing the news Jeffrey made just one demand; that he be paid in doughnuts. This demand was granted.
Deep analysis of Atbash and Gematria seems to have revealed the date: December 8th. This is about all that can be revealed at this stage. Should you want to discover the venue, the best course of action would be to spin round and call out “Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey!” Should this fail, you could try calling 07517 201112. Jeffrey is very busy, with a full schedule of simchas to attend, but he will try to leave messages with as much detail as possible (bearing in mind that his phone is tapped by Mossad and CST).
Requests for information from the organisers fell on deaf ears, but one black sheep did drop hints about blood, cows, priests and an obscure Jewish festival celebrating terrorism. Rumours also hint that this festival involves a miracle related to a lack of oil. Could Jeffrey be the world's saviour at this time of peak oil production? He said that anyone who chose to attend would become an integral part of the ritual. He also added that the organisers are very interested in hearing from sacrificial volunteers, and should email iamachristianbaby@gmail.com
We leave the last word to a slightly worried Jeffrey who would like to warn all those planning to attend his event that they will not leave in quite the same state that they entered.
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