Bacon/Tomato vs. Bagel/Falafel
I know you are already wondering what is behind that fairly obscure battle. Is that about the eternal battle between Pandas and Chinese monks? Or could it be a more recent and intellectual one opposing Jean Paul Sartre to Raymond Aron during May 68? To be honest with you I could not figure it out myself, and because I am really confused about the whole story, you must judge it for yourself.
Some of you might know about Karl Jaspers, this German psychiatrist and philosopher from the past century. He had something about experience to achieve what he called: ‘Transcendence’. This is exactly what I have to propose you, a simple and very exiting experience, for sure never seen before on British soil. Therefore it is my great pride and excitement to introduce to you the topic: How can we achieve ‘Transcendence’ through bacon and tomato (Nota bene: if this is against your principles you can always switch to some more suitable foods).
Few steps and very little of a physical condition are pre-required. This is obviously to get more people involved, especially since the English obese population had been dramatically increasing (Jews included, cf the ‘fat Jew’ section or may be just look at some of your friends), after all we had to stay universal in this!
A perfect shop like Tesco (Close your eyes and say two mi sheberach-ot for our formidable Lord Cohen and his beloved wife) will provide you the best ingredients for this exceptional quest for happiness, and maybe fame as well, who knows. Get yourself started by buying a kilo of nice and juicy tomatoes, the ones with a little K caved in them are definitely the best for you! Head directly after to the bacon rack and pick up some fresh tender bacon packs. Warning. This time don’t search for the little K, you might waste your time looking for it. Key point though: do not forget to get some thick rubber gloves (the colour does not matter but the rubber does) to protect yourself from the evil bacon elation; some washing up gloves (that you can obviously buy in the same shop (along with some life insurance contracts) can do a brilliant job. I heard that some add up stones but we won’t advise this as it represents a complete heresy harshly condemned by our Holy Beth Din through a casual halachic lapidating. Remember the rule: You, my People (i.e.: Us), shall not mix the fruit of the Land (for whatever that means) with any elements they’ve been growing on/in (i.e: stones, rocks, soil). At this point I thought that you, dear reader, would be interested by this reference a Ukrainian Lubavitch Rabbi and secret Jewdas admirer gave me. Dixit the Rabbi: ‘look up 6: 4-9 of the famous Rashi’s commentary of his own cooking book called the ‘Exegesis of the Chicken Soup and other Jewish trivial Recipes in Troyes ’! You will notice that herein, Troyes is not Troy in Turkey (or wherever it is really) made hugely famous by some Hollywood actors (Orlando Blum??) but a little city he was living in, in France . I think at that step you feel particularly ready and exited to carry on…At that point feel free to go back to your house, make a little cup of tea, sit down in your second hand leather couch, and let all your ingredients sit in your fridge for a while. This is the right time to introduce the spiritual preparation, so gather your mind together and think (therefore you might even be). For ten minutes, you have to empty your mind, you feel the ascendance started already, the ‘Transcendence’ is here, in front of you my fellow Jews.
The next and decisive step is the crazy one, you might think after picking up tomato and bacon you might grab some buns or something bready, even some matzot if this is Pesach time. Wrong! You need a building and preferably one of those that get filled up on Friday night or Saturday morning, some might understand…
At least that is what the tradition is all about around Palmiera Avenue , Brighton , UK .
The Jewish answer to that would be to target a symbolic site, I was thinking of the Parliament. So to you all my sisters and brothers take your bagels you wanted to sell out for Pesach, make some juicy falafels. We will arrange a meeting in central London to squash them all against the prestigious wall of this symbolic Law making machine. Then, maybe us too we will experience the transcendence those people felt throwing their bacon fat and tomato at my synagogue’s windows. Who knows?
