Herzl - Zionism was just a joke
Extracts from previously unseen diaries reveal that Herzl was never serious about Zionism, describing the movement as a joke that 'seriously backfired'. The diaries which have allegedly been supressed for years by BICOM have been authenticated by Herzl's great granddaughter who said 'who would have thought that a joke could go so far?' before revealling that family rumour has it that his beard was a fake which he glued on each morning.
In the diaries, he expresses amazement that anyone took his 'ridiculous' novel Altneuland seriously, since he had been sure that the 'terrible prose, laughable characters, and wildly outlandish plot' would make it clear to all readers that the book was a comic work rather than the blueprint for a nation. He goes on to discuss how the entire project was the result of a bet with a friend that Herzl lost about whether he could fit a whole slice of cake into his mouth at once.
It seems that Herzl was planning to reveal his joke at the first zionist conference in Basel, but 'faced with all those expectant faces' he lost his nerve at the last moment and went on to make yet another satirical speech which was lost on the audience. After this point of no return, Herzl, too afraid to reveal his true intent, curses the effect that his now 'out of control' idea has on his life. His diaries show a secret bitterness towards the spiraling ideology which ultimately led him to spend the remainder of his days in cheap Bavarian cafes cursing the poor quality of cake available.
Furthermore, it would also appear that Herzl's famous quote 'If you will it, is is no dream' is in fact a mistranslation from the German, which actually means 'could you pass the cake' and was first said by Herzl during a tea party but fast became his catchphrase amoung friends who knew him for his love of kuchen.
Representatives of the Jewish Agency expressed the view that 'this was a joke in very poor taste'. Why could Theodor not have stuck to traditional themes of Jewish humour, such as mothers, mohels and chazzans? (at this he cracked the classic 'he's not a chazzan he's a butcher' line and doubled over in hilarity). "Or perhaps he could have had some gags about Moslems?
A search through the archives of the office of the Chief Rabbinate revealed a whole string of canonic texts that were designed as comical but taken at face value. These include: the slapstick 'naked Noah in his Tent' scene, Abraham's classic 'she's not my wife she's my sister' routine as well as the many quips about leprosy. An anonymous manuscript from the Cairo Geniza suggests that the tradition of large scale satire reached its zenith in the Babylonian Talmud ("we thought that if we put in enough non sequiters, leaps of logic and totally incomprehensible passages the joke would be obvious-apparently not!). However recent events have shown the tradition to be alive and well with the publication of Rabbi Jonathan Sex's new book which rebuts his earlier ideas about cultural diversity with a new model of subservicance to the state, preferably with himself as the monarch. 'We were all well and truly fooled by his rib-tickler The Dignity of Difference' laughed the head of the Manchester Beth Din, as he fondly added it to the comedy section of his library alongside 'Kosher Sex' and 'Coronation Street-Is it Good for the Jews?'.
