Not kosher enough
Despite Mars UK's decision to revert to their original Mars bar recipe, the Manchester beth din (MBD) is refusing to reinstate their kosher status.
Rabbi Goyde of the Beth Din claimed that he had not changed his mind in thirty seven years and did not intend to begin now. Admitting that removing the kosher status of foods was one of his chief pleasures in life, he vowed not to reinstate the hechsher "even if the head of mars comes crawling to me on his knees".
More significanlty however, he stated that he will begin a complete reassessment of all MBD kosher certificates and hopes to find a few more "snakes in the grass". With a deep suspicion of a minority of so-called 'tasty' kosher foodstuffs, the Rabbi aims to get back to what he sees as the core values of kosher food; expensive, nutrition-free, disgusting.
With eyes visibly moist, the rabbi reminisced over "days when I had to walk five miles to get to the nearest kosher chocolate bar. It cost twice as much as a treif one and left a slight burning sensation in the mouth". He went on to decry many of the foods currently approved for kosher consumption. Citing the "decadence" of the wide range of palwin wines, the "hedonistic" emergence of chocolate-covered matzos and the "inapproriate" nature of of having a female figurehead on Mrs Elswood pickles, he called for a return to the heydey of kosher foods, "when kosher products were made for jews, by jews".
In an expansion of these priniples, a prime target for the Beth Din is the arrival of the "modern era". The rabbi decried Jews who "eat mars bars, play on gameboys and send emails" adding that "I would in fact like to take this opportunity now to declare that the internet is also not kosher due to the possibility of meeting goyim in the so-called chatrooms". He went on to list as unkosher: "mobile phones, sandwich-makers, ipods, beard-trimmers, highlighter pens and those shoes with wheels on them" . He also proclaimed television channels 2, 3,4 and 5 to be unkosher before recalling that 'Songs of Praise' was on BBC1, and adding this channel to the list as well.
This pronuncement has however widened the split between the MBD and its London counterpart which maintains the kosher status of the Mars bars. This body has become increasing lax in recent years since the informal prouncement that 'it's probably OK to eat dog meat so long as noone is looking'. Indeed eyebrows were raised when pork was served at the chief Rabbi's last visit to Buckingham Palace. Officials from the Beth Din smoothed over the apparent abberation stating simply 'since the Queen was appointed by god, everything she touches must be kosher'. The debate rumbles on.
