Chief at Limmud
In a blow to united synagogue modernisers, the London Beth Din has confirmed that the Chief Rabbi will once again be forbidden from attending Limmud, British Jewry's flagship festival of heresy, licentiousness and pork eating. Dayan (Cheese) Berger, in his statement, argued that the Beth Din were not excessively curtailing the freedom of the Chief Rabbi, and proved this by releasing a list of places that Rabbi Sex would be permitted to attend. These include: strip shows, Hamas rallies, arms fairs and the BNP party conference. "We just had to draw the line at Limmud" said Rabbi Berger " appearing to choke on the word as he said it. The Dayan let it be known that once again it had been a tough battle, with United Synagogue President Simon Chchochchhauser pleading that the decision would render the US toothless and irrelevant. The Beth Din was happy to overcome this objection by pointing out that this was already the case. It was also revealed that Beth Din 'radical' Dayan Binstock had wanted to go considerably further, preventing US rabbis from leaving their homes at all, but the other Dayanim were able to overrule him, reminding their colleague of his embarrassing 'shellfish soup in 1973' incident.
To prove they were not entirely out of touch with modern realities, the Beth Din offered suggestions for ways that the Chief Rabbi's presence at the conference of sin could be felt. Amongst these, articulated by Dayan Ehrentrout, was a large hologram of the rabbi's face beamed from outside, with Rabbi Sex speaking overhead from a helicopter through a megaphone, while throwing nutritious kosher snacks to the young kindele below. Another idea was to have an Orthodox conference 'coincidentally' happening at another point on the site. Limmud participants would be wooed in by the smell of freshly cooked Cholent and the promise of a, 'Beard Idol' contest, judged by guests from the haredi community. Finally, in a solution harking back to the classic 'flying dayans' scandal, it was suggested that Rabbi Sex could be covered head to toe in several layers of cling film, allowing him to attend the conference whilst remaining unpolluted. As an extra safeguard, he would be accompanied by several personnel, ready to immobilise any nearby terrorists or non-orthodox rabbis.
Off the record sources from the Chief Rabbi's office suggested that Rabbi Sex might try to make an appearance at the December idolatry fest anyway, but if he did so would probably go in disguise. Possibilities included going as Clive Lawton, or as Lady Jacobovitz, but the most likely outfit would be a tight, sheer cat-suit borrowed from his close friend and xtreme wrestling partner, Rabbi Yitzhak Shagchet.
