Gay Scandal at the ZF
After previous plans to bring bombed out buses to London went awry, the Zionist Federation has announced pans to bring ‘Mr Gay Israel’ to the UK to help promote Israel’s image in the snake’s pit of anti-Semitism that is the UK capital. This scheme is a key part of the Federation's strategy to raise the level of British Jews support for Israel, operating under the slogan 'Leave the thinking to us'. Adding another angle, organisers also said, 'we think all diaspora jews are essentially pale, skinny faygelehs and we thought that bringing a queer from the holy land would be an excellent first step in encouraging those pasty galut-niks to become fully fledged muscle-jews'.
The proposals, however have proved somewhat controversial. Rabbi (Il Duce) Marcus of the Central Sinagogue was keen to point out that he was not bigoted on the issue, as he was happy for the word gay to exist and had once met a hairdresser with effeminate tendencies. “However” he argued “a situation where upstanding Jewish ladies at the Kiddush might look up over their bridge roll and spot ‘a person of dubious masculinity’ was 'not to be tolerated'.
He was supported by Rabbi Pesach (all year round) Efune of Brighton Chabad who said “look, I’m just as committed to tolerance as the JNF is to equality. However, we’re in the midst of a marriage crisis. Every day I have young daughters of Israel banging on my door, unable to find a yiddisher husband. Now much as I would like to marry them all myself, what can I do? We need more available young Jewish men, which will not be the case if they all fall under the influence of Elton John and Sistors with Scissors”. He added that he was well informed about current developments in sexuality, and gained most of his information from the works of Shmuely Boteach and the ‘underground’ Lubavitch newsletter ‘Ladies who Rub’.
Mark Rogelach of the Israeli embassy supported the proposal, arguing that bringing together English and Israeli gays was exactly the way forward to promote Israel’s cause. He demanded that the Federation go further “I want to see Israeli Arms dealers meeting English arms delares, and Israeli fascists meeting with their British nationalist counterparts'. He promised to investiagate the possibility of linking up British sex workers with parts of Israel’s booming trafficking industry.
A spokesman for the Zionist Federation was unapologetic. “Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israyel Yisrael Isreal Isy Isy Rael Isreally Israel Israel Israel Israel Gay? Yes but…..Israel Israel Isy Isy Isy Isy Is I-S-R-A-E-L EEEEESRAEL Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel IS IS Israel Israel Israel Isssssssssssssssssssrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllll' Witness reports suggest that the spokesperson then collapsed in a frenzy of sexual ectasy. Claims that the incident would prompt a new ‘Israel makes you cum harder’ campaign were hotly denied.
