The Jewish News
Reform Jews rewrite Shema
Set to be the centrepiece of the new Reform Siddur, is a radical re-translation of the shema. Head of the movement, Rabbi Bayfield, stated that “we've never really wanted to lumber our members with orthodox irritations like going to synagogue and having faith in god, so we've now re-written the shema, making a version that all Reform Jews can be more comfortable with”.
Jewdas has an exclusive on the complete translation, apparently sponsored by the Zionist Federation:
Hero Israel, The Land is our god, the Land is one.
Blessed be the Land whose glorious kingdom is from Golan to Eilat (including the whole of Jerusalem).
Love the Land your god with all with all your heart and all your soul and all your might; and all your wallet and all your letters to the media, and all your heated dinner-table discussions. Take the words of Theodore Hertzl and commit them to heart. Impress them upon your children with a thorough FZY education. Recite them when you watch the news and when you read the paper, when you lie down to dream of Golda Meir and when you get up and go to a rally organised by the Board of Deputies.
Gangland Uncovered
Recent attempts to crack down on gang culture and 'hoodies' is soon to have a major impact on North West London. The Police have identified a shady underground vigilante group, known as CST, who consider themselves above the law. The group has a elaborate communication system, largely based on the use of Walkie Talkies, and an underground intelligence network, designed to infiltrate left wing conferences and Islamic tea-parties. Reports suggest that the Metropolitan Police have now seen past the organisation's public front - hapless old gentleman and younger people who are desperately seeking a social life - and have traced the headquarters back to a secret underground bunker in Totteridge, controlled by the elusive 'Lord L'.
Average age of shul congregations now 100.
Britain's jewish communities have been celebrating the reaching of an important new milestone. The average age of synagogue communities is now 100 with many communities boasting far higher averages. One synagogue in Manchester is reputed to have already a 120 year average. "We have successfully alienated two entire generations" crooned one ancient regular. "We're pretty sure that it's a combination of our deep-rooted fear of change and sparse kiddishes that have kept the youngsters out" he added. Others have been careful not to overlook the importance that Jewish continuity groups have played in putting young jews off their religion.
Reform Synagogue launches 'Davencard'
Dismay at falling synagogue attendance has prompted the RSGB to launch an incentive scheme to boost numbers. Each member has been issued with a card which they can use to earn points for showing up to services. "The idea came to me in the Kosher isle of Edgware Tesco" said Rabbi Bayfield. "I noticed that the Mrs Elswood pickles came with 100 extra clubcard points and I thought, wow, this is really encouraging Jewish behaviour. It was then that I realised how the synagogue could embrace the scheme". The points system operates on a sliding scale with the most obscure festivals scoring highest. So whilst the high holy days are only rewarded with 2 points each, synagogue attendance on friday night achieves 20 points and tish'a b'av congregants receive 1000 points each. The points can be redeemed for gift vouchers and private healthcare.
