News Roundup
British Jews across the spectrum have praised the recent film ‘The Lives of Others’. While most viewers saw the film as a representation of life in East Germany under the Stasi, Jewish cinema goers unanimously viewed it as a thinly veiled satire on the London Beth Din. Said ‘Yossi’ whose kashrut license was recently removed after he put up an Israeli flag “It showed me the similarities between East Berlin and Hendon”, while ‘Sarah’, a prospective convert noted the likeness between the film’s portrayl of spies at social gatherings and the feeling when attending events at the JLE.
Dayan Binstock, from the LBD refused to comment directly, but did say that ‘The Lives of Others portrays a vibrant society, with great social cohesion and a high level of neighbourly concern’.
.................................
Officials at the Union of Jewish Students reacted angrily to an internal report that had as its chief finding ‘UJS is a bit shit’. UJS chair Jonathan Levy immediately responded to the criticism by ordering a large dispatchment of socks with prominent Js on them, signed a new deal with a manufacturer of kosher crisps, and organised a demonstration at SOAS.
Levy pointed out that UJS had achieved recent successes, notably the growing moves to boycott Israeli academia, which, he said has ‘brought more young Jews to Friday night dinners’. The executive brushed off arguments that UJS should focus less on Israel advocacy and more on promoting Judaism by pointing out that ‘if there are other elements to Judaism besides Israel they are only likely to be of interest to a small minority'.
In a more introspective turn, Levy did admit however that he may have got things wrong in the past. He conceeded that last year's mug slogan 'You Can't Trust A Goy' may have been "a little crude" and is said by friends to still be angry about the debacle over how the shipment of Jsoc branded scarves got mixed up with a batch of Pal Soc kafirs leading to embarassed members claiming that "its ok to wear them as long as its just for fashion".
................................
Having defended itself from attacks by Independent Jewish Voices (also known as Jews for Justice for Hampstead) by claiming that it was already a fully inclusive organisation, the Board of Deputies is set to launch a series of activities to demonstrate this. The Palestinian Solidarity Campaign has been asked to produce worksheets to be used at Yom Ha-atzmaut events, while the Board has managed to persuade a forthcoming JNF dinner to include ‘Benching led by Harold Pinter’. Requests to invite Noam Chomsky to speak at Limmud were foiled by the Limmud executive’s view that ‘because of his opinions, Chomsky is unlikely to be a Jew’. Board spokesman Jon Benjamin pointed out that "the board of deputies is a democratic organisation, so we have to respond to the views of our electorate. The principle is one widely demonstrated by countries that share our style of democracy, such as Syria, Libya and Uzbekistan. A member of the Jewish Leadership Council scoffed at the Board's democratic pretensions as he rustled a large wad of cash, ready to secure his position on the council for another year.
..........................
Further research into the 2001 census, using a technique pioneered by the kabbalah centre known as 'holy text scanning' has revealed the 150000 hours wasted annually by jews studying and praying when they could be preventing assimilation. The subject has been taken up by the new, and radically inclusive Jewish leadership council, who have issued a call to close synagogues except when being used for specific jewish continuity based activities such as talking about jewish continuity and speed dating.
Other synagogues have decided to pilot schemes for making better use of the time during the services. For example, men can order custom made Yamulkas with a brief personal ad printed in large type for the girls looking down from the ladies' gallery to read. Married couples who no longer need to attend Jewish events are encouraged to stay at home
.....................................
There is great excitement at the offices of the new Jewish Community Centre for
London over their acquisition of a building, a former car showroom on the Finchley road. “Given our commitment to commercial values and high prices” said a JCC spokesperson “ we were delighted to happen upon this building. We intend to leave the cars in place, in order to put off any cyclying/pedestrian types. Princess Vivien Duff, JCC founder, said that although the JCC was meant to cater for all Jews, this was not to be seen as encouragment of jews who live lazy, unproductive lifestyles, or those who live in Ilford. She added that while some have argued that the JCC should continue to programme events at different venues across london, "it's important to continue the essential jewish value of property ownership, and we all need to put down roots. Those roots generally need to be in the Hampstead area"
