Rise in Antisemitism
In a statement this morning, the Union of Jewish students called for a rise in anti-semitism on campus. “Its deeply shocking”, said Mitchel Simmonstone, the chair of UJS, “Some universities are seeing almost no Jew hatred at all, which makes it very difficult for us to pursue our work. In the good old days of Al-hamajaroun, Friday night meals were full of propaganda suceptible young yidden, whereas now they seem to building their own identities outside our watchful eye". In the most extreme cases of assimilation, some students have joined Jews for Justice for Palestinians. "It is difficult to imagine” added Simmonstone ”how young Jewish singles can meet each other when there are so few anti-Israel motions to fight on campus; the level of shagging resulting from booze 4 jews nights is simply not sustainable. We call on our friends in the muslim and socialist worker communities to make more effort, and start putting more work in. It is in everyone’s interest that Jewish identity remains fearful, compliant and ethnocentric-communal harmony is at stake”.
The Beth Din this morning issued a warning to all deviant members of the Anglo-Jewish community. "It has come to our attention", said dayan goldefinklcohen, "that certain Jews are opting to live in gehinnom, also known as South London. In the light of the recent Sagal conversion case, we have issued a halachic ruling that those who persist in this insidious practice will immediately lose their Jewish status. Living south of the river is clearly a hillull hashem, and residents of Streatham, Richmond, Kew, Brixton (god forbid) and New Cross (ppp) are given 3 weeks notice in which to complete their teshuvah". Jews in other ‘immodest’ locations such as Islington, Camden Town and Kilburn are being closely watched. You will be next
A new report commissioned by the UJIA has revealed that by the year 2020 there will only be 4 Jews in the UK. This will come as a result of assimilation, intermarriage and then beth din’s aggressive policy towards Jewish status. The report predicts the 2020 scenario with immense precision. One of the 4 will live in Stanmore, one will be called Sarah Cohen, one will be a mamzer and one will be a secular palestinian sympathiser in Hackney, and therefore not a proper a Jew at all. They will all go to different synagogues. The UJIA suggested that drastic action was needed to prevent this from happening, and that if they receive some particularly large donations in forthcoming years, the number of Jews at that date will rise to 7. This will have positive and negative effects the report points out, while 2 of this extra 3 will be a hassidic couple, one will be a human rights activist. The report also brushes off criticism that the UJIA’s policy of treating all Jews as footsoldiers for Israel may be partly responsible for the decline in numbers, pointing out that those who leave the community for this reason are undoubtedly ‘the wrong type of Jews’. The report’s conclusion advocates heavy market research to discover ‘what Jews want’. Chairman David Cohen said “we need to find out what all Jews are thinking, not just the NW london mainstream. Therefore we will be hitting the streets. Those streets will be in Hendon and Golders Green”.
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