The Latest from Zion.
Recently, chief Rabbi of Israel, Shlomo Amar cancelled a conference to discuss the plight of Agunot (Chained Wives). While we at Jewdas are delighted that these uppity women have been stopped in their tracks, we can exclusively report that the reason for the cancellation was not all that it seemed. Published accounts, that Rabbi Amar was forced to back down in the face of Orthodox opposition are a cover for the truth: the conference was going to be unviable because so many of the invited rabbis were instead attending the gay pride parade in Jerusalem. Joining the 'Haredi Homos' block were a whole cavalcade of beraded rabbinic figures each wearing a colourful outfit consisting entirely of black and white. Many of their wives also joined, as part of the 'Lubavitch Lesbians' delegation, although they stood behind a 30ft metal mechitza, modelled on the security fence. The religous contingent sang a range of songs by 'flamboyant' artists, all modified to fit an observant outlook. The Scissor Sister's 'Laura' became 'Torah', while the Weather Girls' hit was rendered 'It's raining men(orah)', attempts however to change Frankie Goes to Hollywood's 'Relax' into 'Jonathan Sacks' was met with widespread disapproval from the crowd.
Meanwhile, in the absence of any conference, Rabbi Amar announced that not only would women never be able to initiate divorce, but he would also be abolishing 'liberal' innovations such as the Ketubah, which he described as a sop to bearded man eating feminists. He promised to look sympathetically at proposals to reinstate the sotah ritual...
The Israeli government has invited top neo-fascist leaders from around Europe to a conference in Jerusalem. This, said a spokesman, was by way of apology for Israel's previous protests at their inclusion in national governments; since Avigdor Lieberman's appointment, Israel had realised that such politicians were not beyond the pale, but merely 'defending the interests of their majority population against over-zealous minorities'. During the Bagel breakfast, at which Jorg Haider was guest of honour, partipants heard a lecture on the historically close ties between fascism and the leaders of the Zionist movement. Jean Marie LePen hoped that this would continue in future, and all participants signed up to a new scheme to encourage Jewish immigration to the promised land. Israeli government officials made clear that presentation of the scheme would be crucial; it should not be described at 'forced repatriation' but rather as 'encouraged aliyah'.
In a statement that has rocked the international diplomatic community, Israeli premier Ehud Olmert together with defence minister Amir Peretz yesterday issued a full and unreserved apology to the Lebanese people. The statement said:
“We, the government of Israel, wish to ask for the forgiveness of the Lebanese people for the wanton bombing, death and destruction that we have wrought upon your cities. According to Jewish law forgiveness may be sought up to three times after which the atrocity is automatically forgiven. Therefore we expect your full forgiveness for our poorly planned and badly executed attack no later than 31st December. If this forgiveness is not forthcoming we declare it morally acceptable to restart our military campaign against you.”
In an interview with Israeli daily Haaretz, Olmert explained that his change of heart came about while in synagogue over the High holyday Season. “I was sitting in shul over Rosh Hashanah and I suddenly realised that I do actually have quite a lot to apologise for. I hope the Lebanese people accept our plea for forgiveness. If not they will be sorry, and I will be disappointed but at least I’ll be guaranteed a place in the book of life."
In a major retraction of his earlier statement that the Lebanese will be “sorry that they ever heard the name Amir Peretz”, Peretz himself has stated that he is sorry that he ever heard the name Amir Peretz and hopes for the forgiveness of the Lebanese people and that they will in time forget his name.
In a perfect example of the split this statement has caused within the Israeli establishment Dan Halutz, the chief of the IDF has unequivocally stated: “We are not sorry.”
He is outraged that the government has apologised on behalf of the IDF. “The whole world is laughing at us, I can hear them laughing, and that is in my non-shell shocked ear. In order to protect the continual existence of the Jewish state we must sometimes suspend acting in accordance with Jewish law.”
Speaking to an emergency meeting of the Council of Religious Zionists Former Chief Rabbi of Israel, Rav Shaperona says that this statement is not only unnecessary, but also that it contravenes Jewish law because it is fundamentally unnecessary to apologise to non-Jews at all.
Israel and the wider Jewish community await the Lebanese response.
