In a development that has rocked north-west London (Rabbi) Dr Sir Lord Viscount Sacks has issued a decree forbidding Jews from voting in the forthcoming general election, branding the democratic process ‘fundamentally un-Jewish.’ Sacks, 38 and 3/4, made the surprise announcement from his castle before repeating it in a later ‘thought’ for the day slot on Radio 4. While he had previously declared trade unions, vegetarianism and Reform Judaism to be ‘utterly goyish’ Sacks had never before condemned the entire democratic system.
The Great Chief and Majestic Leader’s point was (characteristically) simple. Using his own position as an example, he commented ‘No one has voted for me yet I am the Chief Rabbi. No one has voted for me and yet I am a Lord. Under a democratic system, I would have achieved neither of these great titles, and might still be living in a semi-detached house in Golders Green.’ ‘Democracy,’ he added ‘is plagued with ugly terms like “accountability” and beset with instabilities that can remove power from great leaders such as myself and Rupert Murdoch.
To boost his point, Sacks cited the Torah, which he had just finished reading. ‘Was Moses elected before he parted the Red Sea?’ he spluttered. ‘Was there a referendum as to whether the Jewish people should accept the Torah? Was God elected from a list of other possible deities under proportional representation?’ Lord Sacks concluded the thought by pointing out that if one wanted really to see the outcome of democracy, one should always remember, as he does, that Hitler was elected, a thought which he rendered into the handy soundbite ‘We’re only ever one vote away from the Nazis. Or Nick Clegg’
The Honourable Lord and Merciful Father conceded that it might be possible to construct a system which gave the appearance of democracy while simultaneously ensuring real change never occurred. While he felt that this was skillfully done by the UK’s First Past the Post electoral system, he argued that the pinnacle was the Board of Deputies’ ‘brown envelopes and fishballs’ approach. ‘By successfully maintaining an electorate of about 500 retired male barristers, whose votes are mostly conditional on the quality of the port served, the UK could build a Parliament as open and dynamic as Anglo Jewry’s’. He admitted that some in the community felt that even the Board’s limited democracy went too far, and in response the Jewish Leadership Council had been set up in order to make sure that power was based on the failsafe priniciple ‘£1million one vote’. He saw this as return to the halcyon days ‘when Britain was great, when the empire stretched across the globe and when a Jew was Prime Minister.
It was unclear how effective Lord Sacks’ new decree would be. Rabbi Avraham Pinter argued that it would have little effect in the Stamford Hill community, as ‘Sacks is a jumped up little twat’ while the minister of Finchley’s ‘Deadloss’ synagogue suggested that the new law could be modified to only ban votes for parties other than the Conservatives. Reform Judaism ‘Head’ Tony Bayfield had no comment to make, as he was being held by the testicles by Rabbi Shoshana Boyd-Gelfand.
By way of demonstrating his commitment to anti-democratic principles, the Chief announced that he has embarked on a campaign to accumulate as many unelected titles as possible, an enterprise that has been underway for some years, he confirmed. He used the thought for the day slot to confirm that some of his new titles included ‘Baronet of Gateshead,’ ‘Earl of Highgate,’ ‘Sahib of Finchley,’ ‘Radlett United Synagogue Librarian,’ ‘Mother Superior,’ ‘Dalai Lama,’ and ‘Archbishop of Canterbury.’
It was later revealed this week that Sacks only ever agreed to appear on thought for the day owing to a mis-hearing of the show’s title. It is understood that he believed that he would be able to bolster his status with the use of a ‘Fort for the Day.’ However he agreed to continue with the programme on the basis that his dulcet tones might one day land him the much coverted ‘Cadbury’s Flake’ voiceover. The crumbliest, flakiest Chief Rabbi.