This week, declassified CIA files have revealed what many suspected all along: God is, in fact, a communist. Research by Jewdas into these documents has shown that the CIA struggled to keep up with the freedom fighter’s activities, since she has operated under so many different aliases, including Allah, Adonai, Shekhinah, Brahman, and Toots. Nevertheless, the files show a clear pattern of communist activity.
Rather than the leader she is often portrayed as, God seems to be more of a far-out utopian thinker among others in her movement. When she first proposed that work should be limited to a five-and-a-half-day working week, she was denounced by even the most devout as an ultra-leftist agitator. It wasn’t so much for the proposed reduction in working hours, but for the punishments she advocated should come with it. At the time, God argued that any exploitative employers who did make people work weekends should be instantly put to death. Even orthodox adherents to God’s doctrine thought this shouldn’t be taken too seriously.
God has been no stranger to violent and insurrectionist activity in support of the communist cause. During the Hebrew revolt against slavery in Egypt, many of the militants wanted to remain peaceful in pursuit of their liberation. God, in an act of unbridled anarchism, destroyed entire fields and livestock to wrest control of the means of production from the ruling class. The campaign finally succeeded, albeit imperfectly, when God took to engaging in political assassinations of the Pharoah’s and other politician’s children. God is not merely a socialist intellectual, but a firm proponent of Revolution of the Deed.
With history approached in this light, it has perhaps not so remarkable that God is a communist, but that the truth of God’s proletarian leanings was kept hidden for so long. This is probably, in part, due to revisionism by bourgeois reformists and counter-revolutionary elements. For example, God wrote in the Torah, one of her earlier agitational pamphlets, that all that a landowner didn’t need should be given to the poor. This clear incitement to land reform and wealth distribution was deliberately misconstrued as support for charitable alms-giving.
Like many revolutionaries of her generation, God has declined to join any particular movement or political party, preferring instead to support oppressed peoples in general, often using subterfuge and going unnoticed. Surprisingly, God does not seem to have tempered with age and remains just as committed to insurrectionist anti-capitalism today as she was 5,000 years ago.
According to the files, God remains at large.