Farewell Michael Howard

Michael Howard has slanmmed the Jewish community as he prepares the leave mainstream politics. He has blamed the Jewish community for failing to show him sufficiernt support as leader of the Conservative party. ‘What kind of International Conspiracy do you call this?’ he spluttered at the annual Conservative friends of Israel cream tea. ‘I’ve wasted my time countless Jewish Care dinners, JNF fundraisers, UJIA arms fairs, listened to the Board of Deputies endlessly drone on about antisemitism. I even wasted half an hour at synagogue one Rosh Hashonah’.

Commenting on this speech, Harry Greenwald explained that this final point was precisely the problem. Howard’s visit to synagogue had alienated the jewish vote in the run up to the election. ‘British Jews simply couldn’t understand what he was playing at. There was a real concern thar Howard’s attendence would lead to increased antisemitism. How can a ‘modernising’ party want to return to such ghetto practises? We were most surprised that he had turned down our invitation to the annual Board of Deputies Rosh Hashonah Golf Tournament’.

Returning to his theme, Howard explained how he had bent over backwards to please the Jews. Having appointed a ‘Zion Tzar’ to check every policy for its impact on Israel, Howard felt that he had honed the Conservatives into the ‘natural party of the Jews’. He has used the Law of Return as inspiaration for his immigration policy and used the logic of Zionism, seeing the repatriation of Britain’s Poles as a prerequisite for the coming of the Messiah. His plans to allow parents to set up their own schools found inspiration from the right of the Jewish people to set up their own state. He justified the proposed taking over of a successful inner city comprehensive with the slogan ‘a school without students for students without a school’.

A Tory insider has given insight into the levels of desperation present in the Tory party during the unpopular Howard leadership. Apparently, at the nadir of his popularity, image consultants had advised Howard to rebrand himself as an ultra-orthodox Jew. This way, he would at least be guaranteed to win the marginal seat of Hackeny. This was basd on a focus group which quoted Yonni from Stamford Hill saying ‘I’ll always vote for a frummer’. Although this move was averted at the last minute, Howards was ready to take the platform at the Conservative conference in full Hassidic garb. He was to be announced, as ‘Michael ‘Hecht’ Howard, the next Prime Minisher, Boruch Hashem’. He was then going to start his speech with the words ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, Cohanim, Leviim, Mamzers and goys. Welcom to the Tory party conference, Shachirit is on page 12’.

Howard will now make a dignified retreat from politics to persue his interests; reading; hiking; and defeating his mother on the Kaluki curcuit.

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