We know what you’re saying. You’ve been noticing a gap on Jewdas recently. You’re saying – the big story, the general election, what’s the Jewish angle? If we’re all powerful shouldn’t we have a opinion on who’s in power? Are they all equally puppets of the International Jewish Conspiracy?
Truth is its been a little difficult. We realised long ago that all the parties were extremely BAD FOR THE JEWS, and inexplicably issues such as the high price of Kosher meat have not dominated the agenda.
But finally we have our story.
Quick witted viewers of the first leaders debate will have noticed that the kippah (thats skullcup for gentiles and stupid Jews) wearing teenager asking a question, was the same one who questioned Nick Griffin on the infamous Question Time a few months ago. The very same Jew! The Hebraic youth, who Jewdas is proud to name as Joel Weiner (formerly Jojo – ahhhh) has stunned political leaders by asking searching questions such as ‘Isn’t it a bad idea to deny the holocaust?’ and ‘Don’t you think there are too many tests in schools?’. It is thought that next week he’ll be at Vatican questioning the Catholic credentials of Pope Ratzinger. Young Joel has already spawned a facebook group ‘The Jewish Kid from the First Election Debate’ which has gained an extraordinary 12,500 fans, some of whom may not be from Barnet. The group’s wall contains much wisdom, including such nuggets as ‘he’s sexy’, ‘Joel for Prime Minister’ and ‘He should have gone to SpecSavers’. He has also achieved a wikipedia page, on which he is pictured demonstrating the style that we believe is known as ‘JFS chic’.
Of course pundits are already drawing the more than obvious parallels with the man-on-the-street star of the American Presidential elections, Joe the Plumber. Joel, already dubbed ‘Joel the Jew’, is more than likely to encompass this role through his easily identifiable affinity with the issues affecting the average British voter, be they Worcestor Woman, Plymouth Polygamist or Chichester Cuntface. Where Joe the Plumber’s working class, plain speaking credentials rendered him the perfect poster-boy for the Republican Party, Joel the Jew’s lisping nervousness, middle-aged dress sense and premature engagement with mainstream politics are bound to resonate strongly with the British public. Indeed, in an era where Britain has never been less sure of itself; what better figure for the country and its ailing politicians to rally around than Joel the Jew, standing for multiculturalism, rootlessness, radical post-nationalism and, most importantly, a strong affinity for the M&S menswear department.
But, knowing from kaballah that there is no such thing as a coincidence, how to explain the fact that Joel has appeared as a questioner on two prime time shows? Once we reject the absurd suggestion that he simply queued up and got in to both, on account of being a bit of a geek, we at Jewdas can offer several explanations.
1) That there is in fact only only one Jew in Britain. Joel is he. Forget such luminaries as Vanessa Feltz, Esther Rantzen, Hendon Estate Agents and Stamford Hill Volvo drivers, they’re all imposters. Probably they’re just posing as Jews in the hope of getting funding. Naturally, as the UK’s sole Jew, Joel is highly in demand for television appearances.
2) Our knowledge of the classic game ‘Happy Jewish Families’ can reveal that Joel’s father is the esteemed Masorti Rabbi and halachic uber-geek, Chaim Weiner. Rabbi Weiner is a man who once demolished the Bible Code theory by performing a similar analysis on the Jerusalem telephone book. It would have been no trouble for Rabbi Weiner to whip up some kaballah spells to transport him from his Finchley home to television studios around the nation.
3) Joel Weiner is the Messiah. This is the most likely explanation. Appearing on popular TV shows would be the most likely way for Moshiach to introduce himself to the British People. He has come to proclaim a new era of love, peace, and dubious glasses for all. But, you say, hasn’t Joel explicitly denied being the messiah? We remind you THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT THE MESSIAH WOULD SAY. Do not be fooled.
We cannot promise that this new Jewish hero and nationwide pinup will appear on the next debate, but we can predict that the 3 leaders will find themselves rushing to proclaim ‘I agree with Joel’.
Joel, we salute you. A Hebrew hero for our times.