Geoffrey, as lifelong, glorious and esteemed leader of Kehillas Shluf, the Jewdas Bundist Shul in Milton Keynes, has requested immediate membership of the Bored of Deputies. It is thought that, when he is inevitably accepted, he will end Vivien Wineman’s tyranny, and replace it with his own.
In a statement announcing his candidacy, given at Slough Beigel Bakery, Geoffrey said: “The Bored is a notoriously undemocratic institution. In the last five years, they have only taken one vote. And that vote was a unanimous decision not to allow voting. I want in on that.”
Kehillas Shluf clarified that if admitted, its delegates would be democratically elected to the Bored in free and fair one-member-one vote elections that would take place at kiddush approximately 15 minutes after all the food is finished.
Scroll down to send your own email/telegraph/carrier pigeon to the Bored, backing Geoffrey’s membership.
The system for the Bored of Deputies permits any affiliated organisation to appoint whoever they like to serve in their own interests for a duration of however long they feel like it. Affiliate organisations must be approved by, the Community Satire Trust and declared “kosher”, “ineffective” and “way past retirement age”.
Geoffrey is already a well-known figure in the Jewish community. His synagogue, with a membership of roughly 2 million members, is reported to be the largest in the world. The membership list is unfortunately unavailable at this time.
Geoffrey is running on a platform of severing all ties with Israel, making the Battle of Cable Street an annual event, and stopping Sainsbury’s from calling those bupkes raisin-filled round things ‘bagels’.
Stevie Bollard, writing for the Jewish Monacle on 31st October, said: “Of course Geoffrey should be allowed to join. He represents an unacceptable shade of opinion that is completely unrepresentative of the wider Jewish community. He’ll fit right in.”
He added: “Please stop deliberately misquoting me.”
The move has not been greeted positively in all quarters. Rivke Manchesterwitz, a member of the congregation of Jewdas, said “If Geoffrey joins the Bored of Deputies, it will only strengthen and legitimise it as a space where diverse views are held. From that point of view, I can’t support it”
Make Geoffrey undisputed Queen of the Jews. Send your letter to the Bored today.
You can copy and paste the text below into the e-mail (personalised wording is discouraged):
Go on, please let Geoffrey Cohen join the Bored. He’ll be really good and he won’t cause trouble at all. Please. He’s been ever-so well-behaved lately. Not like those rascal radicals Yachad. They can fuck off.
Go on, Viv. Pretty please with a kugel on top. You’re a Slivovitz socialist at heart.
WRITE YOUR NAME HERE (if your name isn’t all that Jewish make it sound like it is)