Heard about the new entrance requirements for Jewish Schools?
Oy a Broch!
Is is too much to ask for us to benefit from the race relations act when it suits us and opt out when its inconvenient?
So, as those parents eager to keep their children away from the goyim for as long as possible will know, one now needs to get a certain number of points, and conveniently, points win prizes!
While the criteria does award 1 point apiece for having some Jewish knowledge (outrageous! you actually want us to study this Hebrew crap?) and having a parent volunteer for a Jewish organisation (does Jewdas count? JFJFP? thought not), one gets the most points (3! B’emet!) for engaging in the least favourite activity of the jew, going to synagogue. Handily you only need 3 points, so no pesky volunteering or learning required, just pop in down the old shul, pretend to pray a bit, try to stay awake during the sermon, down a few fishballs and you’re done! Even more handily, many shuls have set up a post box system, where you simply pop your child’s card in, proving their attendance, and then, as many have done, you can leave! More time for golf and swingers parties (if in Radlett).
But for those for whom even this dangerously lax system is too much, Jewdas comes to the rescue. For a very reasonable fee, the right honourable Rabbi Dr Lord Jeffery Cohen of wherever-the-simchah-is will come to your house and award you points directly. He is even happy to come on Shabbat, when he will be chauffered by his team of shabbes drivers, some of whom are not jewish and some of whom are chimpanzees.
Mezuzah on the Door 1 Point
Hot Bagels in Kitchen and
in Rabbi Jeffrey’s Mouth 1 Point
Use of the Phrase:
‘Is it Good for the Jews’ 2 Points
Demonstration of the Hora in Living Room 2 1/2 points
Ownership of House in Hampstead
(deeds required, tenancy insufficient) 3 1/2 Points
Blow Job for Rabbi Jeffrey 450 points
Points may be deducted for parents who demonstrate ‘excessive Jewish knowledge’, which Rabbi Jeffrey finds embarrassing.
Rabbi Jeffrey promises that his report will be sent to your choice of Jewish school within two days, or whenever he can bothered, whichever is the later. Rabbi Jeffery has added a clause to the contract, to the effect that should the Supreme Court overturn the JFS ruling, neither Bagels or Blow Jobs can be returned.