A landmark study, commissioned by the Board of Deputies’ ‘Better Judaism’ department (now defunct) has come up with the astonishing finding: ‘Judaism Bad for the Jews’.
The study revealed hours wasted in prayer, study and social action, depriving the community of essential time for schmoozing, procreation and defending Israel.
“We were astonished”, said Board President Vivien Winegum “We had always known that excessive practice of Judaism could be detrimental to a person’s health, but this study reveals that the whole of the Jewish religion stands in contrast to the key continuity agenda. What’s the point of having all those Yom Kippur seats filled with middle aged people who have already made their Jewish babies? They should be staffing the phones at the Israeli embassy!
The report has been well received amongst rank and file deputies, who could be seen tearing up their synagogue membership and looking forward to more time on the golf course. Board Vice President Jerry Lewis gave assurances that the report would allow meetings with fascist Israeli ministers to continue unabated.
The Board has made a strongly worded request to the UJIA demanding that all funding be redirected towards building Jewish tanks, helmets and brothels. In their response, the UJIA questioned the notion that they ought to do any work at all, pointing out that their year was packed full with a busy schedule of Kosher lunches.
In other responses:
The MRJ, the Movement for Reformed Judaism (slogan: we reformed once, lets not do it again) pointed out that they were already committed to eliminating Jewish content whenever possible. President Tony Bayfield pointed out that he had a principled stance of seeing what the JC said and acting accordingly.
The Mahamad of the Spanish and Portuguese synagogue said its contribution would be to sack rabbis wherever possible, and that it had already made a good start on this.
Aish Hatorah claimed to be ahead of the game, having long ago found the perfect formula for Jewish continuity:
x + 3y x cheap flights – intellectual credibility + 324234234242342hashem34543534 – jewx + 2 = Jewish future.
Zionist Federation President Jonathan Hoffman shook his rattle and demanded more sweeties.