It’s been a tense week in the Jewdas household. With only a few days left until our wonderful baby rebbe’s big party, it has become apparent that we have made a huge foe pass by inviting one of Geoffrey’s enemies. Geoffrey Cohen came down from her room to tell us, in a calm and quiet voice, “You guys don’t understand anything. Julie’s a fool whose so-called philosemitism is only an attempt to make her look nice to the poor ickle ethnics, and we’re the whitest she can find. There’s no way she’s coming to my party, she’ll just offend Stalin and Abu Hamza and make everything awkward.”
Well, that put us in our place, with egg (and onion) on our faces. You see, we always believed our canonical kid had a sort of competitive camaraderie with Julie B; she would always complain about Julie at the dinner table, “Julie did this awful thing,” “Julie’s such an idiot, she thinks so and so.”
Had we listened properly, instead of hmming understandingly and nodding our heads like all good parents, we would have known that our little bundle of simcha actually really, really fucking hates Julie Burchill. That “awful thing” Julie did? It wasn’t dipping her sliced apple in marmalade instead of honey; she pulled a transgirl’s hair off at schul and called her names. The idiotic things she thinks? It’s not her vapid, vacuous understanding of the most basic of Jewish scriptures; it’s her vapid, vacuous understanding of trans* issues and their place in feminist thought.
So, in order to ensure Geoffrey’s chanukristmas bash (or “al-hafla kbeereh” as it is referred to in the Babylonian Talmud) is as fun and inclusive as it can be, we have retracted Julie Burchill’s party invitation. Instead, we are extending our hand in seasonal friendship to Moshe Feiglin, a man so ridiculous, so despised, there’s no way anyone could take us seriously when we invite him.
Geoffrey Cohen’s (adoptive) parents,
Mr. and Mr. Jewdas,
PS: Julie Burchill’s inclusion on the list of speakers was a joke intended to satirize her. However we’ve heard concerns from folk near and dear to Jewdas that some people may not understand we are joking and her possible inclusion makes our event unsafe for transfolk. We take transphobia EXTREMELY seriously, we will not tolerate it at our events. Same goes for sexism, racism, homophobia, bullying or any other form of abusive behaviour which humans are creative enough to invent. Not only is Julie Burchill not welcome, she would be turned away if she came. We welcome goys, but we don’t welcome transphobes, Jewish or goyische.