The United Synagogue has unveiled a hugely ambitious plan to educate all of its youth in Jewish faith schools by 2012. In response to research suggesting that despite recent efforts, 25% of young Jews are still friends with ‘1 or 2 gentiles’, they propose a massive network of primary and secondary schools where overall headship would be held by the Chief Rabbi and the curriculum would be transmitted to him by God.
At a recent press conference, the movement also noted the many advantages to an all-jewish schooling system. A spokesperson pointed out that ‘in the mainstream system, even well-meaning teachers are tied down by the national curriculum which is packed with goyish ideas. Just look at geography; we propose to free up hours each week by cutting out all the nonsense that doesn’t relate to Israel. As for religious studies-hours are wasted on irrelevant faiths-what does a Jew need to know about Hinduism? And sociology? Oy, don’t get me started.’ He then went on to criticise history for covering ‘material unrelated to the holocaust’ and music for incorporating genres that you can’t dance to in a big circle.
The synagogue also pointed out that not only do they intend to put an end to racial mixing, but that mixing of the sexes should also be stamped out. They complain that ‘dangerous’ ideas such as ‘empowerment’ and ‘feminism’ were being promoted in secondary schools and in certain ‘sick cases’, also at primary level. ‘Clearly’, the representative went on ‘these dangerous ideas can only lead to the erosion of core traditional values. Who will cook cholent for the next generation?’ He then muttered brief thanks to God for not having been born a woman.
The United synagogue’s representative was also extremely critical of what he termed the ‘creeping multiculturalism’ of Britain, asking ‘how can we expect our children not to marry out if we let them see what else is on offer?’. He went on to explain that ‘we favour the Israeli way. What’s the point of mixing up children at school? Think of all the problems that would be caused if Jews had non-Jewish friends, really anything could happen. If our youngsters start to get on with children from other faiths who can conceive of the calamities, let me tell you, playing on shabbos would just be the start. What if they got weird ideas like vegetarianism from their goyish friends and started to refuse their mother’s chicken soup? What then eh?’ At this point, the spokesman, who had been twitching and sweating heavily, had to take a seat to calm himself.
To secure the success of these plans, the chief rabbinate has called for an all hands on deck approach from his rabbinic colleagues, in what he terms ‘the crusade for Jewish hearts and wallets’ He asks them to step in, in order to block the hordes of Jewish woolly liberal educators, who will be banished to a hippy commune in Muswell Hill. He has personally written to each rabbi, stressing that ‘teaching experience is not important; we’ve just got to get the kids away from the goys’