A mob of Jews sporting ‘Free-Palestine’ t-shirts are on the loose in North London. The rabble are leaving a trail of destruction in their wake. To date, they have desecrated three Jewish cemeteries and have daubed anti-semitic graffiti on a liberal synagogue. Rumours that they have set fire to a kosher deli however turned out to be untrue.
It is reported that the Jews turned against their own religious institutions when it was pointed out to them that their anti-zionist standpoint was incompatible with the Jewish God and 5000 years of proud history. A community spokesperson pointed out that “the rot must have set in young. Most of them were probably not-circumcised and some may have even been members of the woodcraft folk”. Some synagogues have even been planning ruses to bring the young outcasts back into fold. Some have set up dinners in rebel strongholds, such as Brighton and Hove, where the militants will be given delicious free food, only to be told at the end that it is kosher, whereas others have advocated singsongs where humanistic old favourites such as hineh ma tov u mah naim and lo yisa goy will impercetibly transform into zionist classics such as am yisrael chai and im tirtzu.
In a longer term plan, the community aims to prevent children falling prey to the radicals by seriously reforming the cheder curriculum. Ethical sections of chumash and Talmud will be excised, will the children will work in hevruta studying key texts including Herzl’s The Jewish State, Alan Dershowitz’s The Case for Israel and My Struggle by Jonathan Sacks.
A masked spokesman for the militants rubbished these efforts commenting that “the struggle goes on. To Edgware, to Stanmore, to Hampstead Garden Suburb…”