The stylish non-Jewish Girls’ guide to Jewish Boys

Periodically, there’ll be a fuss in the broadsheet style sections about how ‘hot’ Jewish boys are now for the discerning girl on the prowl. You may not have noticed but we’re in one of those periods right now, with shiksas queuing up for their slice of the Jewish cock. You know – all that fuss over Seth from the OC, Jake Gyllenhall (yes he really is and no, I’ve never seen anyone who looks like that in shul either), Peaches Geldof’s boyfriend Fred, and other assorted pasty-skinned fellows. Even Larry David gets a look in. Larry David!

All of whom are apparently hunks du jour thanks to how ‘funny’ they are. So funny in fact they make your clothes fall off as all reason disappears (of course, only if you’re a non-Jew that is. As we chosen ones know, Jewish girls don’t do sex well). The fashionable sets in London, New York and Hollywood have gone Jewish-boy mad. So all these men have non-Jewish girlfriends and women the world over are hypnotised by their computer screens, trawling Facebook and MySpace for groups like “FZY Eastern European graveyard tour 2007” in order to get their late-night kicks. This has to stop. Why? Not because of all that ‘inter-marriage-is-bad’ nonsense, no no no.

No, it’s simpler. Have you seen Jewish boys? I am one. We’re really unattractive – physically and mentally. You know it already, you just need de-repressing.

Truly, if the authorities want to stop Jewish boys marrying out, they need to destroy this illusion that male Jews have anything to offer. Here’s a simple checklist I’ve devised to be circulated to all non-Jewish 13-year-old girls before they get too involved with that mysterious boy in the big house across the street. Any weekend magazine editors reading, you’re welcome to use it

  1. Hair – ok, maybe he has it now. Wait 2 years; it’ll all go. In fact, even if it doesn’t go, it’ll be totally dry, unmanageable and embarrassing. And full of dandruff. Check his shirts – see? No personal hygiene, the Jew.

  2. Width – it’s either really fat or really thin – either way, totally unattractive. Get out of there.
  3. Watch him eat. That’s a reason enough on its own. Not only will he have difficult requirements, he’ll also eat quickly and messily. It comes from the heritage of Middle Eastern cuisine – you have to be fast or it evaporates. No good for when you’re dining with the Primrose Hill set.
  4. Humour – the tricky one. Yes, he seems funny, but what are you actually laughing at? I’ll tell you – you’re showing your relief at his assertion of the inferiority of the Jew. Self-pitying Jewish humour? It’s blatant anti-semitism imposed from without. The longer you stay with him, the more you make him hate himself. Stop enjoying it.
  5. Penis – well this is admittedly a mixed bag. Yes, circumcised penises look better. But ask around – do any of your local Jews have big ones? No – it’s simply not possible. And refer back to no.3 – poor digestion means poor taste. Overall, of little use to you.
  6. Arse – always ALWAYS way too big and poorly-positioned in the trousers
  7. General fun – none. Even if he doesn’t go to Jew-dos, he’ll gradually take you to more and more tedious festivals of some sort, all equally meaningless to you. Do you make him go to your place or worship? And let people point at you and stare? No – because this is the 21st Century, and it’s just not done to have a religion. He’ll never get over it – leave him.
  8. His friends – probably other Jews. Say he has 10. That’s 11 unattractive male Jews around you, all with at least one of the problems in 1-7. That’s like 77 annoying problems. You don’t need it.

Alright, you really like him? Fine, there are two solutions:

  1. The best solution is to be as anti-semitic as possible, in the hope that it’ll turn him. It worked for Virginia Woolf, it could work for you. Don’t tolerate his Jewishness, he’ll drop it eventually – we’re all looking for a way out, and someone else to blame it on.

OR

  1. Maybe this is even better. Why don’t you and a non-Jewish boy both PRETEND to be Jewish? Then you get all the attractiveness and irony of being a Jew without having to deal with actual Jewish boys? It’s what Madonna and Guy do, and, as Shimon Peres will tell you, there’s no higher source of wisdom and peace a Jew can have.

So ‘style leaders’ you don’t fancy that Jewish boy, ok? It’s just your anti-semitism coming through. Put it back under your prim-and-proper WASP covers where it belongs.

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21 thoughts on “The stylish non-Jewish Girls’ guide to Jewish Boys”

  1. Hey My Jewish guy is gorgeous – but dealing with the inlaws can bring heart ache and tears – believe me after 25 years I still feel the outcast!

    Run now!

  2. Wow! I thought I was the only crazy shiksa to be totally obsessed with Jewish guys – seems I was wrong! I can add to the above list with Geoff Goldblum, JD from Scrubs and Howard from the Big Bang Theory, along with most of the guys I saw at Krakow’s Jewish Festival, 2007! I’m the ultimate shiksa – I’m half english rose, half slavic shiksa and I can quote from Leviticus! Actually, is there any forum online where Jewish guys search for non-Jewish girls?

  3. Uhhh. James Franco, Jake Gyllenhaal, Adam Sandler, Eli Roth, Sasha Cohen, Joseph Gordon Levitt, Lieb Schreiver, to name a few

  4. For a gentile girl to ace a Jew is almost too easy, like shooting fish in a bucket.
    Cool for a little fun but def not marriage material.

    We must wield our shiksa power wisely.

  5. Hmmmm, I’ve had my fair share of Jewish guys and I totally disagree! Jewish guys are hot. In fact I’m married to one. (BTW I’m not a shiksa, although I did convert, like actually convert not Madonna wannabe convert, but before I met my husband) Maybe it’s just me but I find it sexy when my husband is in shul with his kippah and tallit on chanting in Hebrew. Doesn’t hurt the fact that sex on the sabbath is a mitzvah!

  6. I am a non Jewish woman and I find Jewish men irresistible!!!But I agree with you that intermarriage is a bad idea. When your a chosen people you need to stay in the tribe or you’ll become diluted.I don’t know if it’s the hole forbidden fruit thing but a man speaking Hebrew and wearing Yarmulkes just dose it for me …

  7. Hey man. Good article. One thing I wanted to add though regarding the Jewish woman ‘not doing sex well’. I have to totally disagree! In my single days I was fortunate enough to have…hmmm…about 4 or 5 jewish women partners and they were fabulous in the sack. In fact, one is in my Top 5 list. I wonder if there was/is a certain excitement that came (pardon the pun) from bedding a gentile that spiced things up. Not sure, but either way every single encounter I had with the Chosen female was superb and to go 5 for 5 is a pretty convincing ratio.

  8. Who says Jewish boys don’t gave big dicks? I beg to differ. Biggest dick I’ve ever seen belongs to a very Jewish guy. And Joseph Gordon-Levitt. How can you NOT think he’s the most beautiful creature on the planet?

  9. This is horrifically offensive. Who needs non-Jewish Anti-Semites with the kind of self-loathing slop you’re trying to feed us here?

  10. I am a non jewish woman and i find many jewish men to be very attractive, intelligent, and sweet. Im trying to get away from them because i know they cant intermarry and i really fall for them, but for some reason all the guys i am attractive to is jewish., well anyways this was a great post and thanks.

  11. This guy was adopted into the Jewish crluute but he cannot see his own brainwashing in the Jewish mind-set. He thinks Jewishness has to be either a religion or a race, and since he’s neither a religious Jew nor in the bloodlines of the Khazars, he thinks he thinks independently when what is molding his mind is the Jewish attitude of superiority towards the White race and all other races. He can’t cop to it because he’s in it. He’s a Jew.

  12. Hey I don’t agree with many of your point here. I’ve had sex with many guys all of them either white or jewish (8 jewish guys) and all of them had the thickest and longest penises I’ve seen. They are also extremely good in bed since they like to please you. They are also really funny and have great personalities. Also, about point 8?? actually all of their friends are always good looking and educated. I never had any problem like that. Honestly, after getting to know so many jewish boys I am hoping to marry one in the future. They are the perfect combination of sexy, nice and respectful men. They KNOW how to treat a lady and they aren’t cheap at all.

  13. Hi

    I’m a mature female living in the uk .
    I have dated two Jewish men and they were fantastic so much so I would love to meet another for a relationship.
    Jewish men are intelligent, cultured and great company I do would love to find another Jewish bf . Fingers crossed x

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