Forget the Egypt elections, forget the American presidency, this is the one that counts, the chance to choose the next Chief Rabbi of Great Britain and the Commonwealth! (Naturally, the Commonwealth gets no say in the matter)
Now, this is not the most democratic of elections. Vladimir Putin has given it his seal of approval. A bunch of men (with a few token women, labelled ‘women’s representative’) sit in a darkened room, knocking back the slivovitz until white smoke is seen above Hendon, and not just coming out of the volvos. The key requirement is for someone who will change absolutely nothing. Someone, who, when asked by the beth din to jump off a cliff, replies ‘how far, and how many bagels would you like me to bring’?
So Jewdas wishes to give the search committee a helping hand, and help find those hard-to-reach candidates who are learned and pious but too modest to put themselves forward. So we present:
Various rounds will test the REAL qualities needed by Chief Rabbis including Beard Growing, Yiddish Karaoke, Banqueting, Propagandising, Chair Dancing, Volte-Facing and Platitudinating.
Candidates need not be male, though obviously they should be circumcised (a back room will provided for this purpose). Candidates need not be Jewish but those who are excessively sporty, attractive or neat at eating risk immediate disqualification. Candidates need not be human. Pigs are especially encouraged to apply. All candidates should display fluency in Talmud and/or The Book of Mormon. Particularly the pigs.
The winner gets the right to issue pronouncements, laws and excommunications from jewdas.org. It is expected that the Jewish community will take as much notice of them as they do the current chief rabbi.
As this is clearly going to be hugely competitive its best to get a head start with the campaigning. Send us your manifestos – in video, text, image form, to jewdas (at) gmail.com or post to geoffrey’s facebook page or twitter feed.
To set the ball rolling, and to demonstrate the high standard expected, we enclose Rabbi Geoffrey Cohen’s application:
Name: Lord Viscount Colonel Sir Rabbi Geoffrey Cohen of Wherever-the-Simchah is
Rabbinic Training: Yeshivah Shel Malah, Yoreh Yoreh, Yadin Yadin, Beigel Beigel
Spouse: Yentl Timtum, ‘married’ for 35 years, with a 3 year break from 1984-7 for ‘fun with Lady Jakobovits’
The Sacks era is over. Enough of the smooth talking, philosophising and hobnobbing with the goyim. Enough of substandard beards.
Geoffrey Cohen promises a back to basics approach. Rabbi Sacks has often been seen in synagogue on Shavuot, Tish Ba Av and other obscure Jewish festivals. Rabbi Geoffrey, a man of the people, will instead restrict himself to weddings, barmitzvahs and ‘doing security’. Rabbi Cohen will be the chief Rabbi of austerity. In this difficult time, Rabbi Cohen will shun a high salary. He will instead be paid in unlimited quantities of doughnuts, borscht, cream cheese, gherkins, latkes, strudel, fishballs, hamentashen, egg salad, kneidalach and almond pudding. In a further cost-cutting move he will move the seat of the Chief Rabbinate from St John’s Wood to Upper Clapton, where ‘its cheap, more people speak Yiddish, and you’ve got less chance of running into a Sephardi’.
– Rabbi Geoffrey promises to move beyond denominational squabbles and implement ‘fishball and whisky’ Judaism, where less emphasis is less on where Jews go to pray and more on where they go for Kiddush.
– Rabbi Cohen will work to reverse British Jews ‘excessive’ interest in Israel, and pledges to reinvigorate our connection with Bournemouth and its many excellent kosher hotels
– In recent years, The United Synagogue has made great use of new technology such as websites, apps, and social media. Rabbi Geoffrey will reverse all of this. His more heimishe approach will see a return to photocopies, preferably illegible ones. Rabbi Geoffry says ‘If the kids don’t like it, they can fuck off”.