Jewish workers’ militias set to challenge CST

For decades, CST has been the only source for private muscle at Jewish events. But now there’s a new start-up on the block. The Jewish Workers’ Militia is hoping to enter the market by undercutting CST on price and overcutting them on racist paranoia.

CST, or ‘Community Security Trust’, is a right-wing vigilante group founded in Leeds in 1927, under the auspices of “protecting Jews and their interests”. These interests include bowling, horse-riding and keeping suspiciously brown-looking people out of community events.

The Jewish Workers’ Militia says it can outprice the CST in every way. It will charge just £50 for collecting raffle tickets on the door. “We’ll harass people you don’t like the look of for free. It’s all included in the price,” said a spokesperson.

CST, whose role is to protect the Jewish community from itself, says it is an upright organisation and always cooperates completely with the police. The Jewish Workers’ Militia promises this is another way in which the two organisations will differ.

“As a workers’ militia, our unique selling point is complete hostility to the police. If they tell us to walk on the left side of those small orange cones, we’ll walk on the right. That’s how it is,” founder Geoffrey Cohen assures us. “We’ll even organise pitched street battles with the police. Provided the price is right.”

CST’s leader, Don Cohenoni, says he is not phased by competition. When asked to comment, he said: “All that’s left is for us to pick gang colours. I’m shotgunning red and black. I don’t even like those colours. I’m just picking them because I know you like them.”

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