Lebanon – Israel Too Moderate!

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Following the recent conflict in Lebanon and Northern Israel , leading members of Britain ‘s Jewish community have called upon Israel to exercise less restraint. “What we need, argued Eric ‘slaphead’ Moonman, head of the Zionist Federation, is a war on more fronts. Why does anyone think that two is sufficient – surely we could involve Egypt and Jordan as well?”. His opinion was shared by Danny Shmuck of BICOM, as part of his talk ‘why civilian death is a PR issue’. Simon W****rs, chief executive of JNF UK pointed out that the JNF actually owned half of Lebanon, and that Hezbollah should stop trespassing or their lawyers would be in touch. He added that he perceived Hezbollah and KKL as two sides of the same coin.

Other voices in the community have called for a more direct approach to encouraging escalation. A new UJIA scheme will allow British Jews to donate to the IDF. A spokesman explained the idea: “We don’t just want people to give the money in a lump sum, but would prefer them to buy specific weapons. We’re setting up a website where donors can leave a personal message to be written on the side of their missile. That way they can really feel a part of this.

Recently thousands of British Jews took to the (suburban) streets in a major rally organised by the Board of Deputies, under the slogan Yes to Hummus, No to Hamas which they felt expressed the clarity of their moral position. Some thought it was a ‘peace rally’, but the Board made clear that this was a malicious rumour, not doubt started by Jews for Justice for Palestinians. In order to gain the widest possible publicity, and be seen to back Israel in public, it was decided to hold the rally in a backwater of North-West London. The venue was JFS, the Jewish Freaks School, known as a finishing college for the socially inept. Many prominent members of the Anglo Jewish community gave rousing speeches, each lovingly prepared by the Israeli embassy. Chief Rabbi, Jonathan Sex, however, struck a sour note when he said ” Israel does not want to be in Lebanon “. Many participants found that this to be in poor taste, as they were much enjoying the conflict. “Bombing the Lebanese makes me feel like a proper, tough Hebrew” said Harry Finklesteingreenlieb, a thin, pasty Jew from the Boreham Wood area.

In other responses:

The emerging new Jewish state of Radlett has used the conflict as a model, and is currently shelling neighbouring Shenley. Michael AltaKaka, president of both Radlett’s JNF branch and swingers collective, saw recent escalations as the only way to respond to the Shenley residents winning the top two prizes at the recent Radlett Carnival raffle. He stated that the shelling was an entirely proportionate reaction and that Radlett would use all force necessary to get the prizes back intact. He also noted that there was only a small time window in which to operate since one prize was an assortment of exotic fruits.

The Jewish News has been inspired by America’s treatment of Iran and Syria , and has announced a new policy of non-communication with its bitter enemy, the Jewish Chronicle. Chief Reporter, Alex Schlemiel said ” the time has come to take action. The new editor of the JC recently said he didn’t want it to be a pro or anti Israel newspaper. Why doesn’t he go the whole hog and admit that he is a pork guzzling, Guardian reading, arab loving heathen”? Other sources from the paper added that they were hoping to totally destroy the Chronicle, or at least push it out of a ‘buffer zone’, designated to be somewhere north of the M25.

Rabbi Shaul Rosensplatt, of Aish HaTorah viewed the conflict as ‘essentially good for business’. He commented that ‘When Israel is at war those young Jews come flooding to us. We have great hopes for our forthcoming seminar ‘Why Israel is always right; why its really, really great to be Jew and how codes in the Torah tell you this is true’ Meanwhile, head of the Reform movement, Tony Baywatch said that while outsiders might expect his movement to be critical of Israel’s actions, it was necessary to remain silent, as there were hopes of building a new reform synagogue in the Nahariya area.

Finally, there is suspicion that Hezbollah’s funding team is being headed by Lord Levy. Jewdas pledges to investigate further…

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