At this time of year, as traditional as the Board of Deputies Golf Tournament, comes the Campaign
for Islamophobia Against Antisemitism Questionnaire, asking leading questions to find out the true level of antisemitism in Britain, which is kept hidden by pinko liberal groups such as CST. We have been passed an earlier draft of this year’s version, on which was handwritten ‘v good, but a little on the nose. Maybe use next year once the Bolsheviks have established their Red Terror?’
Where do you live in Britain?
How Jewish are you?
Too much (Sidelocks and everything)
Not enough (Reform, Liberal, Masorti, secular)
The right amount (Member of a United synagogue I never visit)
Please rate yourself from left to right, where 1 is extreme left (Jeremy Corbyn/ Colonel Gaddaffi), 5 is moderate (Luciana Berger/ Alan Sugar) and 10 is correct (Andrea Zanardo/ Golda Meir).
On a scale of 1-10, how imminent do you think an attack is on you personally for being Jewish?
1 (It will happen, but not right now)
5 (It will happen some time in the near future)
10 (A Muslim is looking at me right now)
In the last year, which of these have you done to protect yourself against the imminent attack from socialist Muslims under Jeremy Corbyn’s leadership? (Tick all that apply)
Stopped going to synagogue
Stopped keeping shabbat
Stopped wearing Jewish clothes
Eaten treif in public
Written a long and angry Facebook post with lots of gratuitous capitalisation
Called the police on a suspicious-looking brown person
Tutted at a suspicious-looking brown person
Threatened to move to Israel
Campaigned against mosques
Campaigned against immigration
Left the Labour Party
Bought a gun
Bought a tank
Set bear traps outside my house
Completed a survey for the Campaign Against Antisemitism
What era in Jewish history does our time most resemble:
Slavery in Egypt
Destruction of the Temple
The Spanish Inquisition
Try not to be excessively optimistic in your answer.
Which Jeremy do you think is the greatest threat to the Jews? (Select just one. You know which one)
Which left do you think is the biggest threat to the Jews? (Select just one. You know which one)
When the Hebrew prophets blame the Israelites for their own sufferings are they:
b) self hating Jews
c) denying the eternal nature of antisemitism
e) not actually Jews at all
f) all of the above
Which countries have you considered moving to* in the past year:
a) Democratic Republic of Congo
d) Saudi Arabia
e) Teletubby land
f) Northern Ireland
* don’t forget to include holidays
On a scale of 1-10, how great do you think Israel would be; a place to live in the sun among other Jews in your ancestral homeland?
1 (I don’t like myself)
5 (I prefer other Jewish states)
10 (I am the Jewish Agency)
If you would like to see the results of this survey, join Mark Lewis and Mandy Blumenthal on the ITV morning sofas as they tell everyone they’re moving to Israel. Again.